[flashback:]
Ted: What are you doing in the men's room? What am I doing in the ladies' room? Oh right, I came in here 'cause I thought I was gonna throw up.
Trudy: Did you?
Ted: I did not.
[present:]
Ted: And the streak continues. Vomit-free since '93.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now I remember a lot of stories from back in the days before I met your mother, but there's one story I don't remember. Uncle Marshall still refers to it as the pineapple incident. The night started like any other. We were downstairs at the bar.

Barney: Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end. She's short but has an ample bosom. I love it. She's like half-boob. Let's go. [stands up]
Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?
Barney: Daddy's home.
Ted: Daddy's home?
Barney: Yeah.
Ted: You want us to go over there right now and say to those girls, "Daddy's home." Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hm. Yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Ted: Oh, daddy's back. See, if you'd taken a moment to think about that...
Barney: Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten this seven-digit Father's Day card from Amy, huh?
Ted: That worked? I hate the world.
Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.
Marshall: Doo-doo.
Barney: Totally.

Barney: Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, "Hey, Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool but it's your job to make him awesome." Your brain screws you up, Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob. And it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style.

Ted: This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.
Marshall, Lily & Barney: Drink, drink, drink, drink...
Ted: This is a superbrain.
Ted: This brain is unstoppable. This brain...
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's all I remember, except for a few hazy memories.

Future Ted: [v.o.] But really, the next thing I remember is waking up the following morning. So, there were some unanswered questions. How much did I drink? How did I sprain my ankle? And who was this girl in my bed?

Lily: There's our rock star.
Ted: Okay, what the hell happened last night?
Marshall: You really don't remember, superbrain?

Carl: And how did you guys like the shots?
Ted: I drank all five, bitch.
Marshall: [laughing] I love drunk Ted.
Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire.
[Marshall laughs, then gives Ted a stern look]

Marshall: Wow, right, that's why we don't do shots.
Lily: Friends don't let friends drink and dial.
Ted: I need that phone back.
Lily: You'll get this back at the end of class.