Officer McNeil: Passengers Mosby and Stinson? Please come with us, gentlemen. Keep your hands where I can see them.
Ted: Barney, I am going to kill you.
Barney: Don't say you're going to kill someone in front of airport security, not cool. (To security) Not cool.

Marshall: [on the phone] Listen to me, you're both American citizens. Don't let them pull any Patriot Act voodoo. You both retain the right to refuse to answer any questions without an attorney present so don't say anything until I get there, alright? Okay, goodbye [hangs up. sings] To Philly! The adventure continues! Destroy!

Ted: You had to play the race card.
Barney: Relax, Ted. We didn't do anything wrong. And, B.T.W, we'd be out of here by now if you'd have tucked in your shirt.
Officer McNeil: [on radio] Go ahead, JFK, what is the baggage status?
Bomb Squad Guy: They're clean. It's just a whole bunch of condoms... and a power bar.
Officer McNeil: You're free to go.

Robin: [answers phone] Lily's phone.
Marshall: Robin! Uh, where's Lily
Robin: She's uh...
Marshall: Is she talking to some hot guy? Oh, you can tell me. It's totally cool. It was my idea! Hell, I told her she could take the ring off.
Robin: Really? Well I thought it was kinda weird, but if you're cool with it. Yeah. It's off and she's talking to some guy. Do you want me to go over and...
Marshall: No, don't interrupt. It's awesome. So the rings really off, huh? .... Awesome. Well, just tell her I called and tell her that she's awesome. [hangs up, sings dryly] Really, really awesome. Our relationship is built on mutual trust. [dryly] I can't breathe!

Robin: Lily, I thought tonight was about us hanging out. What are you doing?
Lily: Just fending up the advances of that totally hot guy.
Robin: Dude, I think that guy is gay.
Lily: Oh, I know that guy is gay. Just Marshall and I have been together for nine years. I haven't been single since high school.
Robin: You wanna be single? [laughs] You wanna fight off loser guys all night, does that seem like fun to you?
Lily: I guess I wanted to throw this net back into the ocean and see how many fish I could catch. So far, one. One gay dolphin.

Marshall: You wanna mess pal? That's my fiancé's hot backside that you're dabbing.
Lily: Marshall, no.
Marshall: Baby, please don't ever take that ring off again. No matter how awesome I say that it is.
Derrick: It's okay, man...
Marshall: Back off, hombre! I'm not that afraid to fight you. You wanna test this guy? Be my guest!
Lily: Marshall, he's gay!
Marshall: Oh, thank god... I've never been in a fight before. [hugs him]
Derrick: You don't say!
Future Ted: [v.o.] So it turns out Uncle Marshall really was the jealous type. Unfortunately, that guys boyfriend... also the jealous type.
[Boyfriend pulls Marshall off Derrick and pushes him to the floor]

Ted: Look, I don't need you to teach me how to live, okay. I know how to live. If you want to go lick the Liberty Bell just go lick it yourself.
Barney: No, it has to be the two of us.
Ted: Why? Why do you need me?
Barney: Because, you're my best friend, alright? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno. You know what, fine. If you wanna go home... then we'll go home.
Ted: Fine. We'll go lick the Liberty Bell!
Barney: Good, 'cause we're here!

Daughter: So, that girl you were talking to, that was mom?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, every story in a man's life is like a dot in an impressionist's painting. And when you...
Son: So that's a no?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, that's a no. [kids are fed up] What? Come on!