Barney Quote #1533
Kevin: Perhaps I can help. Marshall, ask yourself this question: why today? He hasn't said anything about that tie for weeks, and yet, suddenly today, he can't wear it another second? No, there's a reason. You've got something coming up. Something where you're on display, vulnerable... exposed. It's not work-related. No, this is relationship stuff. You're trying to impress someone. In the lie you told, you said you were being chased by two goons. So it's two people. A couple, perhaps. You're meeting Nora's parents tomorrow!
Barney: Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! It's in two days, and I really want them to like me!
Ted: Oh-ho! Therapisted! Shrinked? Shrunk? We'll figure it out.
Quote from Marshall
Lily: So for the next two weeks he was basically a really clingy Edgar Allan Poe.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall's apartment:]
Marshall: The Grim Reaper beckons. I feel his icy grip around my throat, the breath of his hounds at my heels, the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of his scythe on my chamber door. And you, with your blithe request, you only hasten his inevitable triumph. Is that what you desire? Is that what you desire, Lily?
Quote from Barney
[Barney runs down the street with two armed men chasing after him. A man wearing a Fez offers him a place to shelter:]
Man in Fez: Psst. In here!
Barney: I'm safe.
Man in Fez: [pulls gun] Not quite. The amulet, please, Mr. Stinson.
Barney: Why? [knocks the guy down]
Boy: Help! Help!
Barney: The kid.
Barney: Hang on, kid. Grab my tie.
Boy: But you're not supposed to take the tie off. You lost a bet with your friends Lily and Marshall which requires you to wear the tie for a full year.
Barney: If it means saving your life, I think they'll understand!
Boy: They sound like nice people!
Barney: Yeah, they are. Grab that... Come on. That's it.
Boy: Thanks, Mister. How can I repay you?
Barney: You can stay in school, that's how.
[A bird flies off the tie]
Barney: True story. But golly, I'm just gonna miss the heck out of that ducky tie. I really am.
Lily: Look what I just found in the trash.
Barney: No! [puts the tie back on]
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.