Ted Quote #967
Barney: And, Ted, just be yourself. [laughs] Just kidding. Here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about.
Ted: Wow. Well, this could actually be fun. In fact, I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said... "Man is least himself when he talks"...
Barney: Ted, card.
Ted: Uh, you're right. "No quoting Oscar Wilde."
Quote from Lily
Barney: Uh, Lily, uh, talk about your open marriage.
Lily: Okay. Well, after a long day of style meetings and photo shoots, and being way too mean to my assistant, I sometimes bang an underwear model.
Jerry: My goodness.
Marshall: I sleep around too. Just as much. A little more even.
Lily: Oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day.
Marshall: Are we having this fight again? Writing plays is a real job!
Lily: I work 90 hours a week subsidizing your "real job."
Marshall: I won a Tony!
Lily: I brought French cooking to America!
Quote from Barney
[flashback to 1983:]
Jerry: Barney, I'm afraid this is good-bye. Your buzz-kill of a ma thinks I'm a "bad influence" on you.
Young Barney: What? That's... What is that word you taught me? "Bull" something?
Jerry: But she's your mother, and I'm... Well, she's your mother and I'm just your Uncle Jerry, so this is the last time I can see you.
Young Barney: But you were supposed to take me to see that Zeppelin cover band next week. The night is gonna be... "Led-engery."
Jerry: Sorry, buddy, but this is it. But don't you forget your training. What's a magician's best friend?
Young Barney: A drunk audience.
Jerry: You still got that button from the festival we went to? Now... I'm gonna put this right inside your brain behind your ear, so that I'll know that you won't forget me. See ya, buddy. And hey. Never stop partying.
Quote from Intervention
[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
Quote from We're Not From Here
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!