Barney Quote #1427

Quote from Barney in Hopeless

Barney: I am so angry at my dad! Guess who called me today. Go on, guess.
Marshall: Your dad?
Barney: My dad!
[flashback to Barney chatting with a woman at MacLaren's:]
Barney: [answers phone] Barney Stinson.
Jerry: Hi, Barney. It's your dad. Look, would you like to go fishing with me and J.J. on Sunday morning?
Barney: Ooh, hold on. Let me check my personality. Oh, no. Turns out I would never do that in a million years.
Jerry: Barney, look, I know you're disappointed that your dad is just a boring old driving instructor from the suburbs, but that guy I used to be, "Crazy Jerry", he was bad news. Drinking, partying, sleeping around. The party can't go on forever. You're 35. I'm sure you're starting to realize that, right?
Barney: You do not know how right you are.
Barney: Zero right! We're not getting too old for anything.
Ted: You sure? I feel like we collectively learn the opposite lesson... like, at least once a year.
Barney: I have to face an ugly truth. Jerry Whitaker, my own father is anti-awesometic. I know Crazy Jerry's still in there somewhere, but he's trapped under 20 years of lawn mower parties and carpool barbecues.
Robin: Wow, you know nothing about the suburbs.
Barney: Well, this Saturday night, I am busting him out. I'm gonna make Jerry realize he was wrong about giving up his old life by showing him the awesomest night of all time. And for the awesomest night of all time... I'm going to need the awesomest friends of all time. ... Okay, who do I know? Guys. Do any of you know George Clooney?


 ‘Hopeless’ Quotes

Quote from Ted

Barney: And, Ted, just be yourself. [laughs] Just kidding. Here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about.
Ted: Wow. Well, this could actually be fun. In fact, I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said... "Man is least himself when he talks"...
Barney: Ted, card.
Ted: Uh, you're right. "No quoting Oscar Wilde."

Quote from Lily

Barney: Uh, Lily, uh, talk about your open marriage.
Lily: Okay. Well, after a long day of style meetings and photo shoots, and being way too mean to my assistant, I sometimes bang an underwear model.
Jerry: My goodness.
Marshall: I sleep around too. Just as much. A little more even.
Lily: Oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day.
Marshall: Are we having this fight again? Writing plays is a real job!
Lily: I work 90 hours a week subsidizing your "real job."
Marshall: I won a Tony!
Lily: I brought French cooking to America!
Marshall: What?

 Barney Stinson Quotes

Quote from How I Met Everyone Else

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Quote from The Three Days Rule

Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.