Robin: Oh, no!
Ted: Pair of pants coming in hot! Noise-canceling headphones.
Robin: Oh, I don't need 'em.
Ted: It's a ten-hour flight and your sitting next to Patrice.
Robin: Oh, God, where's my cough syrup?

Marshall: [sleepily answers phone] Hello.
Ted: I know it's early, but can you meet me at the bar right now, alone?
Marshall: I'm on my way. [to Lily] I got to meet Ted at the bar.
Lily: It's 7:00 a.m. Man, Ted really needs to work on his boundaries.
[Barney sits up right next to Lily in the bed]
Barney: Shh, guys, seriously.
Lily: Why are you in our bed?
Barney: I took the drunk train and got stuck out here. Oh, God, I am so hungover. Oh, God, Lily's not wearing a bra! Shh!

Barney: Do you think...?
Lily: Okay, I already know I don't want to hear this.
Barney: Do you think that if we did it...
Lily: Yeah, I was right. I don't want to hear this.
Barney: ...and I did a really good job...
Lily: Please leave.
Barney: ...that I could turn that into my baby?
Lily: I think I'm gonna throw up.
Barney: Morning sickness?
Lily: No.

Ted: It's crazy, right? Are you shocked?
Marshall: No, I'm not shocked. You're in love with Robin. Do you remember back at Christmas when she was upset, you didn't even know why, and you spent eight hours setting up Christmas lights in the apartment just to cheer her up.
Ted: That was a platonic friend thing.
Marshall: A platonic friend thing? Really? Ted, let me ask you a question. Would you have done that for me? You probably would have. You're such a good friend, Ted.
Ted: You, too, buddy.

Lily: Robin again? Why does everyone keep going after Robin? How come no one ever takes a run at me?
Ted: Barney hits on you every day.
Lily: Yeah, but he just wants to bang me. I want something real.
Marshall: I know, babe.

Consuela: [on the phone] Double A Cleaning.
Barney: Consuela, it's Barney. I need you and the girls for the afternoon.
Consuela: Of course, right away, Mr. Barney. Are you at home now?
Barney: No, I'm at a house on Long Island. I'll text you the details. It's a big job. The place has been ransacked.
Consuela: We'll get right on it.
Barney: Thanks, Consuela, you're the best.
[Barney starts ransacking the house]

Barney: You've been betting on us? Like we're a couple of hobos fighting over a sandwich in some psycho preppy kid's backyard?
Lily: No, this is just what happens in marriage. You get bored. You run out of things to do.
Marshall: We were making models.
Lily: You single people are out there with the drinking and the sleeping around...
Marshall: Model airplanes.
Lily: The grinding and the bumping and the hot sweaty bodies.
Marshall: ...with little propellers that spin.

Barney: Oh, this one looks interesting.
[flashback to Marshall holding a video camera in his bedroom with Lily:]
Marshall: Lily, I thought you said you wanted to. It was your idea. I starved myself for a week to get camera-ready.
Lily: You had a bear claw for breakfast.
Marshall: Yeah, a bear claw.
Lily: I changed my mind. I just don't want Barney to see us doing it.
Marshall: Barney is never gonna see this.
Lily: Oh, come on. It's Barney. Eventually, somehow he's gonna see it.
Marshall: Want to bet?
[present:]
Barney: So there really is a sex tape. [runs out]

Lily: Anyhoozles, just... long-term bets, just a silly thing we do. What about you, Ted? Your hair's looking good.
Ted: "Lily bets Marshall that Ted and Robin won't end up together." Wow. So now it's becoming clear why... you've been trying to sabotage my future happiness. To win a bet.
Lily: Come on, Ted. We made that bet so long ago.
Marshall: And boy, it's been a real nail-biter.
[flashback to MacLaren's:]
Lily: Ted and Stella got engaged. Pay up.
Marshall: Not yet.
[flashback:]
Lily: We are driving to the wedding. Pay up.
Marshall: Not yet.
[flashback:]
Lily: We are at the wedding. Pay up.
Marshall: Not yet.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall driving back from the wedding after comforting Ted:]
Lily: Damn it.

Ted: I can't believe you guys! I got left at the altar, and all you cared about was some stupid bet?
Marshall: I never stopped rooting for you, bud.
Lily: Ted, I'm not rooting against you. I just don't think Robin's the girl you marry. That's why I made the stupid bet to begin with. I mean, yes, it's five years later, and you haven't settled down with anyone else, but you haven't settled down with Robin, either. There must be a reason for that. What's standing in the way?