Barney: [on his knees] God, if you help me find this sex tape, I am going to make some changes in my life. I am going to stop sleeping around, quit drinking so much, no more shenanigans. I am going to devote my entire life to doing good deeds, and praising your name.
Consuela: Is this what you're looking for, Mr. Barney?
Barney: Never mind, bro. Found it.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And then I realized why Robin and I hadn't gotten back together in the last five years.
Ted: [to Barney] Oh, my God. Robin's in love with you.

Ted: I can't believe I didn't see it before. Robin is in love with you.
Barney: No, she's not. Trust me.
Ted: Yes, she is. Something happened between you guys. That's why you broke up with Nora. That night, I saw you in her room, there were rose petals, candles...
Barney: You saw that? Well, then, maybe you also saw those rose petals and candles going into a garbage bag.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then Barney told me everything. How he and Robin hooked up. How he broke up with Nora
to be with her. How he thought she would do the same for him. How she broke his heart.
Barney: She chose Kevin. It hurt, but... I guess they're in love.
Ted: They broke up last night.
Barney: Bummer.

Barney: Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape. I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at five-to-one odds, Lily with a landing strip, ten-to-one, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.
Ted: I don't believe this. You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and your reaction is "Bummer"?
Barney: What do you want me to say, Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently. So... no, I don't care that Robin is single again.
Ted: So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind?
Barney: Nope.
Ted: Even if that somebody else was me?
Barney: Even if that somebody else was you.
Ted: Really?
Barney: Really. Hey, bros before hos, right? No matter how mad she made me, Robin's still my bro. And if, uh, you make her happy, then that makes me happy.
Ted: Barney, you've really grown up, you know that?
Barney: Thanks. Now let's watch our two best friends have sex on tape.

Future Ted: [v.o.] A week later, Robin's plane landed, and I was there to meet her at the airport. She told me all about her trip. And then we got dinner at the restaurant we hadn't been to in a long time. And by the end of the night, one thing had become clear:
Ted: It's not going to happen, is it?
Robin: I'm sorry.
Ted: It's because of Barney.
Robin: What? No. Barney and I... we... No. No. It's just... You know, things have just been so crazy lately. Everything in my life is... unstable. I mean, you're one of the few things that I can count on. And... I really don't want to mess that up. We... We still have our deal, right? If we're both still single when we're 40?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah. No. Look, I'm sorry. I can't do that anymore. As long as the door is even a little bit open, I have this feeling that I'll just be... waiting around to see if I win the lottery when you turn 40. I think you know how you feel about me now, and I don't think time's going to change that. Just tell me. Do you love me?
Robin: No.
Ted: I'm sorry. We're great as friends. Let's just... Let's just forget I ever said anything.

Ted: [on the phone] Bar. Alone. Now.
[at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: It's just a bump in the road. You guys are meant to be together. You can't give up. It can still happen.
Ted: No, Marshall.
Marshall: What about the hot air balloon thing, with the ten dozen roses? And how's the sonnet coming, buddy?
Ted: Dude. You bet on the wrong horse. Let it go. Believe it or not, I'm happy about this. I'm... I can finally move on. This is a good thing. Really.

Marshall: Hey, Robin.
Robin: Oh, hey. Hey. Hey. Uh, look, before I forget, here's Lily's hairdryer. I borrowed it, like, a million years ago.
Marshall: Yeah, you can keep that. Um... Hey, listen, Ted told me what happened with you guys, and he says that he's at peace with it.
Robin: Oh, really? That's good.
Marshall: He's lying, Robin. He's trying to be strong, but it's killing him, and so, as his best friend, I have to say something that he loves you just way too much to say. You gotta move out.
Robin: I know.

Lily: For Ted's sake, I hate to say this, but... pay up.
Marshall: Not yet.