Brad: Dad, what was your wedding like?
Tim: Your mum really loved it. But, I gotta be honest, weddings aren't really for men.
Brad: What do you mean? [Jill walks up behind Tim]
Tim: I mean women, they invent weddings for other women. Flower girls tossing little petals around. All the bridesmaids look like big swollen daffodils in these little taffeta gowns.
Brad: Well, then, why get married?
Tim: Well, 'cause one day you meet a real wonderful girl. Who'll badger you into thinking it's a great idea.
Jill: Is that right?
Tim: [chokes] Did you see her over there?

Tim: Quiet! I don't wanna know the score. I didn't see it last night, that's why I taped it. I didn't look at the paper.
Randy: Oh, so you don't want us to ruin the surprise for you.
Tim: Yeah, brainiac. That's the idea. Aren't there some ants you can burn somewhere, or something like that?
Randy: Brad, this has gotta be worth something.
Brad: I mean, at least a couple of bucks.
Tim: It's not worth any bucks. Nothing. You're getting no money, OK?
Randy: OK, but, you know... We wouldn't want the score to accidentally slip out.
Tim: Quiet. Quiet!
Brad: Like 98...
Tim: All right! Boy, oh, boy, you guys. Here. Take all I got.
Randy: Dad, we meant two bucks each.

Jill: Tim, will you sign this card for Sheila?
Tim: Not now, I'm watching this Piston-Bulls game I taped.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. The Bulls. That's, uh... Marvin Jordan, right?
Tim: Yeah, Marvin... Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan.
Jill: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Jill: When Karen gets here we gotta go to Sheila's wedding.
Tim: What's the hurry? The groom probably won't even show up.
Jill: Don't say that, don't say that! It's bad luck.
Tim: How much worse luck can the woman have? She's been jilted at the altar, like, three times.
Jill: I know. I'm in the wedding this time. I'm going to bring her luck.
Tim: You were in our wedding, it didn't bring us that much luck.
Jill: Very funny! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Karen: Hey, Tim. [Tim waves without looking back] Oh, don't bother to get up.
Tim: Wasn't even thinking about it.
Jill: Tim, it is so noisy. Can you turn it down, please?
Karen: OK, tell me everything. Is it a big wedding? Is he spending a fortune?
[Tim points the remote back at Jill and Karen]
Jill: Yes, I really... I can't believe it. I mean... Her father keeps...
Tim: It's not working, hon.

Tim: She's 38. He'd pay anything to get her out of the house now.
Karen: All right, where's the slam about me being 36 and single?
Tim: That was last year. Now you're 37 and desperate.
Karen: Not true. Just so happens I'm dating a very nice attorney. He took me to the Pistons' game last night.
Jill: Oh, that's the game that Tim is watching right now.
Karen: Oh, yeah. Wasn't that great when the Pistons won it right at the buzzer? [Tim turns the TV off]
Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. You weren't gonna see the whole game anyway. [Tim hisses at Karen]

Jill: Ask for directions.
Tim: By the time I stop and ask for directions, we're gonna be where we're going.
Jill: Not if you drive around in circles.
Tim: Watch the map, please.
Jill: What?
Tim: You're folding it wrong.
Jill: Folding it wrong? Who died and made you the map police?

Jill: Honey. Tim, my feet are freezing. I'm starving.
Tim: Eat your feet.
Jill: Fine. But I'm not giving you any.

Tim: I'm on my way to a wedding. I gotta find 127.
Police Officer: 127? That's pretty far. You're really lost.
Marty: Way lost.
Tim: Well, I was letting my wife do the navigating. You know how that is.
Police Officer: OK. You're on County Road 6, you wanna follow that north, two tenths of a mile, to 20.
Tim: 20. Is north right or left?
Police Officer: It's left.
Tim: Thanks a lot, you guys.

Marty: No, you can't go that way.
Police Officer: Sure he can, Marty.
Marty: Nah, radio says County Road 6 closed near 20, John. Fallen tree.
Police Officer: Oh, yeah.
Marty: You can take County Road 6, turn west on Elmwood.
Police Officer: Which is right before Oakwood, so you hit Oakwood, you've gone too far.
Tim: OK. What's before Elmwood?
Police Officer: Edgewood. But what do you care? You're going to Elmwood.
Tim: Thanks, guys.