Jill: There's a sign. Adrian, six miles. [looks at map] OK, Adrian. Adrian is on 223. We're down and right. We're supposed to be up and left.
Tim: Thank you, Rand McNally. Do you mean north and west?
Jill: We have gone way out of the way. Way out.
Tim: No, we haven't. We're only an inch or so.
Jill: I see. So when we hit Ecuador, you'll just say we're off by about a foot and a half?

Jill: Why can't we just stop and ask for directions?
Tim: Because we're almost there.
Jill: Tim, I have to be there early enough to be able to put my dress on.
Tim: We're close. Next sign you see will be North Adams. Right there, what does that say?
Jill: "Welcome to Ohio."
Tim: Well, we won't be needing that Michigan map now, will we?
Jill: If we hit Kentucky, I'm filing for divorce.

Police Officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I talking about? Elmwood's closed.
Tim: Fallen tree?
Police Officer: No. A dead cow. Yeah, frozen to the highway.
Tim: What?
Marty: Happens a lot.
Police Officer: Go north - that's left.
Tim: All right.
Police Officer: OK? Now, at Beechwood you turn east, that's right. Now, Beechwood becomes Route 2. But you won't know that 'cause it's called Evelyn. But it doesn't matter 'cause the sign blew down.
Tim: Sign's down.
Police Officer: OK. Now, continue going east, on Evelyn, also known as Beechwood, a.k.a. Route 2, till the fork in the road. Now, north - left - is Carmelita, right - south - is Maple. You want right-south Maple. Got that?
Tim: Cows freeze to the highway a lot?

Tim: Oh, boy. Killer night. [grunts] Oh, no.
Police Officer: Hey. How's it going?
Tim: I'm in hell.
Marty: How was the wedding?
Tim: Terrific. Oh, what a great time! Now, if I gotta head back to that wedding, what would be the best way to get back there now?
Police Officer: Why would you wanna go back?
Tim: My wife left her purse there. Just like a woman, huh?
Police Officer: You're lost again, huh?

Jill: Area code 419? Are we still in Ohio?
Marty: Yes, ma'am. The Buckeye State.
Jill: Didn't you tell me that we were in North Adams?
Tim: I said I know exactly where North Adams is.
Police Officer: Sure does. We gave him directions over an hour ago.
Jill: You gave him directions... Oh, no. Is this the place that we stopped before?
Marty: Sure. We haven't moved.
Jill: How did you do this?
Tim: Well, I was a little confused with the blizzard. You were naked in the backseat.
Police Officer: Oh, hey, hey. Come on, now. This is Ohio. We have laws.

Wilson: Hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: Hi, Wilson. You're up late. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm just packing some snow to send to my cousin Ernie in Pango Pango. He really misses the winter.
Tim: He does?
Wilson: Of course, he pays me for it. And let me tell you, there's no business like snow business. [laughs] I'm on a roll.

Tim: You won't believe the night I've had.
Wilson: Well, from the looks of you, I would say that you pushed a car out of a ditch. And from the nature and texture of your clothes, I would say you were somewhere in Ohio.
Tim: From the sound of that, I'd say you were talking to Karen.
Wilson: I can't fool you, neighbor Tim.

Tim: Did you hear the whole story? Spent half the night driving around in circles.
Wilson: Mm-hm. Through a couple of states, I believe.
Tim: All Jill wanted me to do was stop and ask directions. I didn't do it because I hate asking for directions.
Wilson: Well, all men do. It makes them feel subservient.
Tim: I really was sure that I knew where I was going. I sensed it, you know?
Wilson: That's because men navigate by instincts and women navigate by landmarks.
Tim: Yeah, she kept talking about some huge man with a doughnut.
Wilson: Oh, sure. That's the sign for Bill's Big Bun Bonanza. It's the turnoff to North Adams.

Jill: I couldn't believe it. The guy called the caterer and cancelled the dinner. The caterer broke it to Sheila in kind of a mean way, too. Walked over to the wedding cake and just ripped the groom right off the top.
Tim: Just left a shin and a knee bone there, huh?
Jill: Sheila told everybody to go home. You should've seen Aunt Merle trying to stuff all the jumbo shrimp in her purse before she left.
Tim: This was too big to fit in the purse?
Jill: She got the bottom three layers. When I left, Sheila was crying into her double bourbon, having to listen to that nephew of hers - you know, Todd - play "You Light Up My Life" on the accordion.

Tim: Some night, huh? You know my direction's usually better than that. I just got all disoriented, even though my nose is filled with iron boogers.
Jill: What?
Tim: Don't worry. You got 'em too.
Jill: Oh. Don't explain, don't explain.