Tim: I broke the cardinal rule with men. I offered help to a man that didn't want any.
Jill: Well, it looked like he needed it.
Tim: That didn't matter. By offering him help, it made him feel like less of a man.
Jill: Now, wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that if you saw a guy trapped underneath a boulder and he didn't ask for your help, you wouldn't move the boulder? [Tim shakes his head] That is insane.
Tim: If I moved the boulder the guy would feel like half a man.
Jill: If you didn't move the boulder the guy would be half a man.
Tim: But that half would thank me.
Jill: And men say that women are illogical and irrational?
Tim: They are, but what does that have to do with this?

Jill: It is so great to see a mentor and a student reunited again. I used to have an English teacher that affected me the way you did Tim. Um, Mrs. Holloway. She introduced me to Shakespeare. Gosh, I loved Macbeth I used to walk around going, "Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"
Tim: Well, enough of your laundry stories.

Mr. Leonard: I swear to you, it's the truth. I mean, your father is a genuine original. I got another one for you. Even I can't explain this one. He is gluing a table together one time. Somehow a piece of the table gets stuck to his head.
Tim: There's a mistake I didn't let happen again.
Mark: Dad, didn't you do that...?
Tim: Here, have a cookie, will you, pal?

Tim: Remember first year, we did that tool box? You could show everybody how you can still make one of those quick as a wink.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, Timmy, I don't know about quick as a wink with this arthritis.
Tim: You can do it. I'm sure you can do it. It will be great. You can show a whole generation of men how to do stuff with their hands. [grunts]
Mr. Leonard: What was that?
Tim: You never heard the grunt. I figured that out in college.
Mr. Leonard: You got into college?!

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time.
Al: We have a very special guest today - Tim's old shop teacher.
Tim: That's right. The man that taught me everything I know about tools.
Al: And despite that, we're still happy to have him here.

Tim: If a boulder fell on you, would you ask me for help?
Wilson: Well, that depends. Are you the reason the boulder fell on me?
Tim: That doesn't matter.
Wilson: Well, it does to me. I'm the one under the boulder.
Tim: All right, let's say it's my fault. Wouldn't you be too proud to ask for my help?
Wilson: Why would I be too proud?
Tim: 'Cause you're... 'cause you're a man.
Wilson: Well, I guess that would depend on what part of me was crushed by the boulder.Tim, are you speaking metaphorically?
Tim: No, I'm just making a comparison.

Mr. Leonard: And you are, uh...?
Benny: Benny Baroni.
Mr. Leonard: The reason I almost quit teaching.
Benny: You remember. Hey. What happened to the hand-crusher?
Mr. Leonard: Uh, I'm afraid I got a little arthritis in there... Hey, don't you owe me a birdhouse?
Benny: I had a lot of extra homework. Uh, I'll have it for you Tuesday.
Al: You know, Mr. Leonard, I actually won a prize with my birdhouse.
Mr. Leonard: Good. [walks away]
Benny: [to Al] Here's $20. Make me a birdhouse by Tuesday?

Wilson: "Gestalt" is a psychological term meaning that the whole is more than the sum of the parts. I mean, take you for an example. You're a lot more than just Tim The Tool Man.
Tim: Yeah, but you know for guys what we do is who we are.
Wilson: Well, unfortunately, sometimes society pressures men to define themselves in terms of their work.
Tim: I don't feel any pressure. I like being Tim The Tool Man.
Wilson: Yeah. What happens when someday you're no longer able to be Tim The Tool Man?
Tim: [whimpers] Ho-ho-ho? Oh, man, that'd be horrible. I'd feel useless. I wouldn't be myself.
Wilson: Tim, you are also a great husband. You're a great father. You're a great neighbor. I think you might find your true happiness lies in being Tim the man.
Tim: That's a good point. I like that one. Would you mind driving down to Toledo and telling my old shop teacher that?
Wilson: Well, I think it would have more meaning coming from you, Tim, even though I enjoy Toledo. They say it used to be the glass capital of the world.
Tim: Well, if I'm going I'd better get my glass in gear.

Tim: Let's say you couldn't use your hands real well anymore and I tried to help you out. It'd make you feel like you had no dignity left.
Wilson: "Boulderdash."
Tim: Well, it would if you were a tool man like my old shop teacher and me. We lose our hands, we lose everything.
Wilson: Tim, there's a lot more to a man than his hands. You have to look at his gestalt.
Tim: That's a good way to get a black eye in a locker room.

Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, a big Tool Time welcome for the original "Tool Man" himself, my old shop teacher Mr. Art Leonard. Come on out here! Good to have you here, Art.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, it's great to be here. Thank you, Timmy.
Al: Mr. Leonard, it's nice to meet someone who knows the trials and tribulations of working with Tim.
Tim: Al. All right, let's...
Al: You know, we could start our own Twelve Step program. Adult survivors of Tim Taylor.
Tim: I got a program. How about Al-Be-Gone? Adults who fire Al.
Mr. Leonard: Boys, do we really have to review shop rules?
Both: Sorry, Mr. Leonard.