Tim: Hi. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant Al "This Land Is" Borland. Today we're talking about Binford's new high-tech security alarm systems for cars, 'cause a secure car... is a happy car. While a car that isn't so secure can cost you thousands of dollars in therapy fees.
Al: Now, the most inexpensive way to protect your car is with the Binford 6100 steering-wheel lock.
Tim: It's a good lock, Al, but if you've got a larger car - a monster truck, front-end loader or a space shuttle - you want the Binford 61,000,000. Now, there's a lock. Look at the size of that thing.
Al: Well, if you wanna go the more sophisticated route...
Tim: [English accent] You might wanna watch Masterpiece Tool Time with your host Alistair Bo-o-o-orland.
Al: Would that be an English accent? I was talking more along the lines of an electric car alarm, the most basic of which will go off if your doors or windows are tampered with.
Tim: Right, but you can customize. You can have automatic door locks, ignition cutoff, gas cutoff. And not a moment too soon.
Al: Oh, very funny, Tim. I'm sure our nursery-school viewers are rolling in their sandboxes.
Tim: [hisses] Now, if you wanna go the whole hog, you... No. You probably want the Binford Thiefbuster 1000. It has a personalized voice warning system. I installed it on this pony myself. [alarm chirps] Act like a thief.
Tim's voice: [on alarm] Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man!

Heidi: Does everybody know who's in the kitchen?
Audience: Irma!
Heidi: That's right, it's Cooking With Irma... with special guest chef Al Borland!

Al: Good night, Mrs. McDowell. Thank you for coming, Mrs. Yost. Remember the weather report from the kitchen - "Chili today, hot tamale."

Randy: I mean, maybe I'm not cut out for this romance stuff.
Wilson: [laughs] Well, Randy, when it comes to winning the affections of a young lady, you might heed the advice of Thomas Herrick.
Randy: What'd he say, Wilson?
Wilson: He said, "To get thine ends, lay bashfulness aside. He that fears to ask doth be denied."
Randy: So what you're saying is, "No guts, no glory."
Wilson: Very good, young Taylor. You know, there are those among us who wouldn't have picked it up that quickly.
Randy: So I gotta keep trying, huh?
Wilson: Well, you may not have to try too hard. I think the lady's equally smitten with you.
Randy: What makes you say that?
Wilson: Because ever since you came out back, she's been staring at you.
Randy: Oh. Thanks, Wilson. [Wilson chuckles] Hey, what were the first words you said to a girl you had a crush on?
Wilson: I believe they were, "Hi-di-ho, good-lookin'."
Randy: Thanks, Wilson.

Al: Thank you, Klaus. Thank you, Heidi. That's right, I'm Al "The Food Man" Borland. You all know my assistant Tim "Doesn't Know Gumbo From Dumbo" Taylor.
Tim: Not so. Dumbo, of course, is a pachyderm. Gumbo is a flexible green guy that rides Pokey. [audience is silent]

Al: Uh, Tim, why don't you be a big help and take the tops off those peppers? [Tim bites the tops off the peppers] Now, Cajun cooking is distinguished by using a lot of very hot peppers, and, um... [Tim yells and runs the tap] As Tim has just demonstrated here, if you happen to bite into a pepper, you wanna drink plenty of milk, never water. [Tim yells] Water will only make it worse. Or you can bite into a piece of bread. [Tim bites into the bread] But not jalapeño bread. [Tim spits it out]

Irma: Anyway, I'm gonna be gone until next Sunday, and I was wondering if I could impose on you to... fill in for me. You know, be Irma for a week. [chuckles]
Al: Irma for a week?!
Tim: I don't know.
Al: Oh, come on, Tim. Irma needs our help. Her radish just had a cabbage.
Tim: Well, when you put it like that, Al... Hmm... I could host it. We could have that Spam casserole. Al could assist me.
Irma: Oh, well, as a matter of fact, since Al is such a wonderful cook, I was hoping that he would host it and that you would assist him.
Tim: Uh... I don't... I really don't think Al would be comfortable with that. You know he's been...
Al: I would love the opportunity. In fact, you might say I would relish it.
Irma: "Relish"? Oh, Al! I just admire your joie de vivre.
Tim: That's French for "big butt crack," isn't it?

Jill: Will you relax. Sit down. Pretend that I'm Beth. You know, just talk to me.
Randy: I don't know what to say.
Jill: Tell me I'm pretty.
Randy: Are you Mom or Beth?
Jill: Does it matter?
Randy: You're pretty, Beth. And Mom.

Al: Hey! They loved me!
Tim: They hated me.
Al: Well, you started off a little rocky, but once you were in too much pain to talk, boy, the show really took off.

Al: Shall we begin by explaining how we're going to dress our duck?
Tim: How do you dress a duck?
Al: Well, if it's formal, coat and tie. [audience laughs] Now, once I get finished stuffing the duck, I will be closing it up.
Tim: And for that, I think you'll be using a poultry lacer.
Al: Actually, Tim, I was thinking of using some "duck" tape.
Tim: I don't think so, Al.