Randy: Come on, Dad. Let's just buy her something.
Tim: This is your mom we're talking about.
Randy: I know.
Tim: Do you know that you were a very difficult birth? Hm? Breech baby? Hm? Elbows straight up like grasshoppers? Hm? 176 hours of labor? Hm?
Randy: All right, Dad. OK.

Randy: Hey, way to go, loudmouth. Now we actually have to build something.
Tim: Nice attitude. Come on, guys. I already took the hot rod outta the garage. When I get home from work, we'll turn it into Man Central. Huh? Saw blades, cuts, slivers, blisters... [grunts] Come on. A little Mother's Day grunt? [grunts] I love you, Mom.
Boys: [grunting] Love you, Mom, you're the greatest.

Tim: Friends, having difficult removing all that gunk outta that ugly bathroom drain? Well, these are just a few of the products Binford gives you to remove dirt and grease and, in Al's case, loose beard hair. [comic plucking sound effect] One of the most popular tools is called the plunger.
Al: That's right. You might wanna remind our viewers... to coat the... to coat the rim of the plug with petroleum jelly. This will help form a tight seal between the plunger and the drain.
Tim: Yes. Next, I'd like to show you Binford's closet auger.
Al: Now, this particular auger helps toilet clogs. [plop sound effect]
Tim: Help me, Al. I got a big one. A freshwater hairball.
Al: And finally, our favorite choice - the Binford trap and drain auger.
Tim: Normally called "the snake." [snake-charming music] Remember, folks, if it doesn't say Binford on it, you won't be able to flush it.

Tim: Well, we're just about out of time. But before we go, I'd like to talk a little bit about Al's mother.
Al: I'd prefer you wouldn't, Tim.
Tim: I know, but with Mother's Day coming up, I realize a lot of the time I make fun of her on the show.
Al: Yes, you do. My mother is frequently the butt of your jokes.
Tim: Al, you make this too easy.
Al: Well, you... you're always poking fun of her cooking, of her weight, her love for bingo, her son...
Tim: Al, come in for a landing, OK? Being Mother's Day, I thought I'd make her a gift, kind of a - ooh - peace offering.
Al: Really?
Tim: Lisa!
Al: Well, that was awfully big of you.
Tim: Well, I thought maybe for those... [Tim and Lisa hold up a large flannel apron with kitchen utensils] those festive Thanksgiving dinners, she might have a nice new apron.

[Tim and Brad knock on the garage door]
Randy: [o.s.] What's the secret grunt? [Tim and Brad grunt three times] Enter. [Tim and Brad go into the garage]
Mark: Hi, Mom. Can I have a Popsicle?
Jill: Sure.
[Jill knocks on the garage door]
Tim: [o.s.] What's the secret grunt?
Jill: [grunts three times]
Tim: Access denied. Too much estrogen content.

Tim: Take a little gander at Randy's.
Randy: Don't bother. It stinks, Dad.
Brad: What is it? I can't even figure it out.
Randy: Well, don't rack your brain. You might smash the pea.

Tim: I wanna talk about a Mother's Day gift.
Brad: Come on, Dad. We still have four days till we have to buy her something.
Tim: No, that's exactly my point. She doesn't want us to do this. She wants something from the heart. So, you know what we're gonna give her?
Randy: Blood?
Tim: No, ventricle breath. Not blood. When I get home from work, we're gonna build her something.

Jill: Hi, guys.
Mark: Here she comes!
Tim: Ixnay on the giftay, uysgays.
Jill: Planning my Mother's Day gift already? Gosh. I'm so impressed, I'm not even gonna ask you what you're buying me.
Mark: We're each gonna make you something.
Tim: Hey.
Jill: You're gonna make me something? I love that idea. Thank you. OK, guys, build away.

Jill: What are you guys building in there?
Brad: Who said we were building anything?
Jill: Come on. What are you making?
Brad: Can't tell you. Top secret.
Jill: Oh, Brad, give me a hint.
Tim: No hints! [Jill screams] You ought to be ashamed of yourself. And you call yourself a mother. Come on, son.

Randy: Look, Dad. I'll just buy Mom something.
Tim: No, don't buy her something.
Randy: But I don't like doing this stuff.
Tim: Yeah, you like it.
Randy: Dad, I didn't wanna do this in the first place.
Tim: Oh, why don't I just finish it for you?
Randy: Great.
Tim: Is that all that your mother means to you?
Randy: Come on, Dad. It doesn't matter. Mom's gonna love any piece of junk I give her.
Tim: There's a nice sentiment. Why don't you just put that on the card? "Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Here's some junk I know you'll love. Randy." [Randy shrugs and walks away]