Tim Quote #770
Randy: Come on, Dad. Let's just buy her something.
Tim: This is your mom we're talking about.
Randy: I know.
Tim: Do you know that you were a very difficult birth? Hm? Breech baby? Hm? Elbows straight up like grasshoppers? Hm? 176 hours of labor? Hm?
Randy: All right, Dad. OK.
Quote from Wilson
Tim: You know, Wilson, that was a great... that's a great idea, flying your mom in like that. Randy, my... my middle son, is having trouble thinking of something for Mother's Day for... for my wife.
Wilson's mother: Oh, I'm sure she'll love anything he gives her.
Wilson: Mm-hm. That's right, Tim. After all, it was Pierre Corneille, the noted French playwright, who wrote: "I am in the habit of looking not so much to the nature of the gift as to the spirit in which it is given."
Tim: Oh, that's beautiful, yeah.
Wilson's mother: Excuse me, son. Are you sure it was Corneille? I believe it was Robert Louis Stevenson.
Wilson: Well, by golly, Mom, I think you're right.
Wilson's mother: Pierre Corneille wrote, "The manner of giving is worth more than the gift."
Wilson: Act one, scene one of his play Le Menteur.
Wilson's mother: Oh, you do your mother proud.
Wilson: Oh, Mom.
Tim: Thanks, Wilsons. I was enjoying this quotefest. But, remember, I'm the confused one. And I still don't know what to tell Randy about Mother's Day.
Wilson & Mother: Hm. Hm, hm, hm, hm.
Wilson's mother: The most important gift you can give any mother is to let her know she's loved and appreciated.
Wilson: I couldn't have said it better myself.
Quote from Al
Al: [sings] M is for the million things she gave me O means only that she's growing old
K&B Guys: [sing] She's growing old
Al: T is for the tears you shed to save me
Tim: Guys, guys...
Al: H is for the heart of purest gold
K&B Guys: Of purest gold
Al: E is for the eyes with love light shining R means right and right you'll always be
K&B Guys: She'll always be
Al: When you put them all together they spell...
Tim: [sings] Mother
Al: A word that means the world to me
K&B Guys: The world to me
Quote from Wilson
Tim: Afternoon, Wilson.
Wilson: Hidy-ho, neighbor.
Tim: What's with the flag?
Wilson: Tim, I'm commemorating the upcoming holiday.
Tim: With a flag? It's not the 4th of July. It's Mother's Day.
Wilson: You see, Tim, back in 1914, Congress passed a resolution establishing Mother's Day as an official holiday.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: It was a proclamation calling on the public to display the flag as a sign of love and reverence for the mothers of our country, and it was issued by the president of the United States...
Wilson: Absolutely right, Tim. President Woodrow Wilson.
Tim: Well, maybe old Woodrow took credit for it, but I bet his mom gave him the idea.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.
Quote from The Look
Benny: What's the look?
Tim: Oh, come on. It's just the most potent weapon in a woman's arsenal. Her face will transform right in front of you. Her lips get really tight like this.
Marty: Yeah. And then her whole face shrivels up. It's like...
Harry: Yeah. And then her eyes get real small and meet right in the middle of her head like a Cyclops in a housecoat.
Tim: Just when you think you can't take anymore, she lines you up and finishes you off.
Benny: Ohh! I'm never getting married. And not just because women can't stand me.