Tim: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Nancy: No, no. I'm sorry.
Tim: I thought Jill was in there, you're not Jill. What I need is a sign-in sheet. You know, "Nancy in, Tim out."
Nancy: No, no, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have used your bathroom. It's just Jill said Randy was in the other one.
Tim: There's nothing to explain. For gosh sakes, we're just two mature adults that happened to see each other's hoo-hoos.

Nancy: You think they're gonna get upset?
Tim: No, because I don't think we should tell them.
Nancy: Tim, it was an accident. They'll understand.
Tim: I don't think Jill will understand. After all those jokes I made about the jogging bra, I think it's best we just let it go.
Nancy: OK? You think we shouldn't say anything?
Tim: I think if we told them what we saw, we'd be a couple of boobs.

Tim: Wilson, I want to ask you a question. What are you doing?
Wilson: I'm practicing an ancient Greek tradition. It's said that to fend off a flea problem... you pelt the front of your door with jugs.
Tim: Oh, don't use that word. Um... l... I inadvertently saw my sister-in-law in the buff. I walked in the shower, I thought Jill was in there, and she was standing right there.
Wilson: Well, Tim, that sounds totally innocent.
Tim: It was. But she's family, and, you know, you expect family to give a reaction like your 80-or 90-year-old grandma, but... Grandma never looked like that.
Wilson: So you enjoyed seeing Nancy in her birthday suit.
Tim: It was a very happy birthday. Yes, I did.

Brad: Sherman's bar mitzvah's already over?
Randy: No, but for me it's in limbo.
Brad: What do you mean?
Randy: I, uh, split my pants doing the limbo. Where's Mom? I need her to sew these back up so I can get back to the party.
Brad: She's not here.
Randy: What am I gonna do?
Brad: I don't know.
Randy: I know. Staple me shut.

Marty: [chuckles] One brother stapling another's butt. Brings back fond memories.
Tim: It was never my intent to hurt you.

Jill: Are you okay? You're acting even stranger than normal.
Tim: I'm all right.
Jill: You have a problem with Nancy? You seem a little uncomfortable around her.
Tim: I'm not uncomfortable.
Jill: Good. 'Cause I think she's great. The more I see of her, the more I like her.
Tim: [chuckles] Me too.

Jill: Well, OK, so what are we having?
Tim: Well, we got lots of good choices here.
Nancy: I think there's something Tim and I should share.
Tim: Chicken and ribs! How about that, huh? I can have the ribs, you can have the chicken. That works out with Jill and I. That'll be all right. We'll do it that way. That's good.
Nancy: That's not what I wanted to share.
Tim: Well, uh... Liver and onions. I'll take all the onions, you know I like onions. Shouldn't have too many of them, though, 'cause onions are, well, they, you know... No. The specials. Of course. Mike, what are the specials?
Mike: All-beef wieners. Your choice of buns.

Tim: Can you believe Marty? He's the most immature guy I've ever met.
Jill: No. That would be the guy who thought a fair trade would be to see his wife naked.
Tim: I was just doing that to calm him down. Nobody wants to see you naked.
Jill: Thank you so much.
Tim: I'm sorry. What I meant was, other than me, nobody wants to see you naked.

Jill: You liked what you saw and you felt a little guilty about it.
Tim: No. I felt real guilty about it.
Jill: That's good. It proves one thing, I've trained you well. And even though it was an accident, you feel guilty. That's good. I like it.
Tim: This is pathetic. Because of you, I can't even enjoy the sight of another naked woman.
Jill: That is the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Tim: Well, I meant every word of it.

Jill: Hi, kids. Randy, I picked up your suit at the dry cleaners. I also got a bunch of stuff you left in the pockets - a half-sucked candy cane and a phone message you never gave me.
Randy: Oh, yeah. Call Grandma.
Tim: [enters] Hey, honey. You'll never guess who called.
Jill: My mother.
Tim: Yeah, but that was a couple days ago.
Jill: Well, thank you. That's a week sooner than you usually give me the message.
Tim: Well, I knew it was important.