Tim: I'm just in this lawn-mowing competition with Bob Vila.
Wilson: Mm. Nothing like the rousing spirit of competition.
Tim: Yeah. Jill and Karen think it's a stupid idea.
Wilson: Well, Tim, competition can be a very healthy thing.
Tim: That's what I think. I think competition inspires men. Challenges us to build the biggest building, the fastest missile, the most absorbent bathroom tissue. [grunts]
Wilson: Competition brings out the best in product.
Tim: You're darn right.
Wilson: But sometimes the worst in men.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah.

Jill: This thing can't possibly survive inside of your stomach. Look, you're just gonna digest it like a piece of fruit.
Mark: You sure?
Jill: I'm positive. You're just gonna poop that thing right out. Now, just go outside and play. Listen, eating a tadpole's no big deal. [closes door] Aaargh! Gross! That is so gross.

Tim: These are some of the best ways to give your garden tools a good spring tune-up. Right, Al?
Al: That's right, but before we go, we'd like to make an announcement I'm sure you all have been waiting for.
Tim: Al is a woman trapped in a man's body.
Al: No. I'm sure our audience knows that's not true.
Tim: I'm just kidding, Al.

Karen: Jill, this is unbelievable. I've never won anything before. A day of beauty for two at Adriana's.
Jill: It is so great that it is for two. Can you imagine a whole day of being pampered?
Karen: What? Tim doesn't pamper you?
Jill: Yeah, right. Tim's idea of pampering me is to wear his pants to breakfast.

Karen: Uh, Jill, are Brad and Randy planning to do some gardening?
Jill: Hey! Hey, guys! Where are you going with that shovel and that rake?
Brad: Uh, nowhere.
Jill: Don't go near the cemetery again.
Karen: Cemetery?
Jill: Yeah. Last week they dug a hole near the cemetery wall, and told Mark that one of the bodies escaped.
Randy: We're just going down to the creek to build a dam.
Jill: Forget the dam, beaver boy. Lose the shovel. Lose the rake.
Brad: Aw, man.

Tim: Good to have you here again, Bob.
Bob Vila: Thanks.
Al: That goes double for me.
Bob Vila: Thanks, Al. It's always good to see you. I was so thrilled to find out I was picked your favorite guest here.
Tim: Well, I encouraged a lot of people to vote for you.

Tim: I understand that you're working on a lawn mower race.
Bob Vila: That's right. And I'm having a tough time getting some competition.
Al: Well, you know, Bob, Tim has a very powerful lawn mower.
Tim: Yeah, I tweaked out my lawn mower at home and dumped a big motor in it.
Bob Vila: Oh, mine isn't homemade. I actually had mine designed and built by professionals.
Tim: Yeah? Well, I... I dumped a 300cc Harley with a special cam in it.
Al: That sounds like the junior model. Bob here put in a 410.
Tim: Good for Bob.
Al: Bad for you.
Bob Vila: Yeah, and I've got an elongated throttle. I've actually been clocked at 42 miles per hour.
Tim & Al: 42?
Tim: You have a lawn mower that goes 42?
Bob Vila: Yeah.
Al: Well, Bob, I think it's time to kick some grass.

Mark: Wait. How long do I have to hold it in my mouth?
Randy: Three seconds.
Mark: Three whole seconds?
Brad: I told you he'd be a chicken.
Mark: I'm not chicken. I'll do it.
Randy: Buddy, come here. Now, close your eyes. Open your mouth. Ooh, yeah, a nice slimy one.
Brad: You'd better watch out. He's really wiggly.
Randy: Here he comes. Closer, closer. [places the tadpole on Mark's tongue]
Brad: One thousand one. One thousand two. One thousand three.
Randy: You did it. [pats Mark on the back]

Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hi there, Wilson. You missed a snip.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: I bet you can't guess what I've got in my garage.
Wilson: Well, just off the top of my head, I'd say a small riding lawn mower with a jet engine attached.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: Mark told me.

Jill: Well, hello, Brad and Randy.
Brad: Hi, Mom. Where's Mark?
Jill: He's upstairs, playing.
Randy: Is he OK?
Jill: Yeah. He's fine. Why do you ask?
Randy: No reason. Just because we love him.