Tim: It can't... It can't be... It cannot be Bob Vila. It can't be Bob Vila. I erased his name... Computer error took his name off that list.
Al: Well, maybe the viewers did what I did and wrote his name in.
Lisa: That's what I did.
Tim: Write-ins weren't allowed, Lisa.
Lisa: Al told me I could.
Tim: He did, did he?
Al: Yes, I did. So please join us next time when we'll meet our winning guest, Bob Vila. So popular that, even though he was deliberately left off the ballot, won with a write-in campaign.
Tim: So join us next time on Tool Time, when Bob and Al discuss how to remove crusty food from their beards. See you next time on Tool Time.

Karen: Tim, you're so tense. Maybe you should come and pamper yourself at Adriana's.
Jill: Yeah, yeah. They have manicures and pedicures for men.
Tim: Let me tell you two gals something. Men don't let other people touch their feet. A real man clips his own toenails and flicks them in his wife's hair.

Al: Well, Tim. This is the big day.
Tim: It sure is. We get to that subfloor.
Al: Ooh. I don't think that's why the audience is watching today. I'm sure that, like me, they're all excited about seeing our favorite-guest-contest winner.
Tim: Aren't we all, Al. Aren't we all. Now, the subfloor will start...
Al: Tim. Why don't we introduce our favorite guest?
Tim: Why not? Our favorite guest is someone a few of you may know...
Al: I think we all know Bob and love him.
Tim: Are we gonna have to hose you down, Al?
Al: Let me introduce the paterfamilias of home repair, Mr. Bob Vila.

Bob Vila: Thank you. Thanks for that warm welcome.
Lisa: Mr. Vila, I just want you to know I'm one of your biggest fans. In my opinion, you've completely redefined television home repair.
Tim: Lisa.
Lisa: Right. [exits]

Jill: Tell me you're not gonna race this thing.
Tim: Technically it won't be a race. It's just an exhibition with... Bob Vila.
Jill: I should have known. Whenever Bob Vila's on the show, you turn everything into a competition.
Tim: Jill, this is for charity.
Jill: No, it's not. It's to compete.
Tim: Honey, this is no competition. This is gonna be a slaughter. I'll be at the finish line and Bob Vila will be back there at the starting post picking mulch out of his beard. "See you, Bobby."
Karen: How fast does this thing go?
Tim: Right now, this gearing, about 62. But if I regear it, 94 I'll get out of it.
Jill: And after they pry you out of this with the crowbar, I'll turn to the crowd and say: "He was a nice man, a good man, but not a bright man."
Tim: Honey, this'll mow a football field in 11 seconds.

Mark: Hi, guys. Where did you go?
Brad: We went down to the creek and caught some tadpoles.
Mark: Why didn't you come and get me?
Brad: We looked all over and we couldn't find you.
Mark: I was in my room.
Randy: Boy, Brad. The one place we didn't look.

Mark: Why don't you take me anywhere with you guys?
Brad: It's because you always rat on us.
Mark: Promise I won't rat on you again.
Randy: Oh, really? Hey, Brad. Maybe we should make him take the test.
Brad: Yeah, the test.
Mark: What test?
Randy: The tadpole secrecy test.
Mark: What's that?
Brad: You have to put a live tadpole in your mouth.
Mark: Ew! No way!
Randy: OK, fine. But then you don't get to come to the creek with us and build a raft. See ya.

Brad: Mark, you weren't supposed to swallow the tadpole.
Mark: [coughing] What's gonna happen?
Randy: Well, it's gonna swim around inside you and grow into a frog.
Brad: Yep. Ribbit, ribbit.
Mark: Shut up, Brad!
Randy: Hey, Mark. I wouldn't drink any water. Might make it grow faster.
Mark: I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad on you.
Brad: Oh, yeah, like Mom and Dad are gonna believe that we made you eat a tadpole.
Randy: Brad... I wouldn't use that argument.
Mark: Mom!

Tim: What happened?
Jill: Brad and Randy made Mark eat a tadpole. [Tim laughs] This is not funny. It's a terrible thing to do.
Tim: Oh, come on. They're boys. What's the big deal? When I was little, I made one of my brothers eat spaghetti. It had an earthworm in it.
Jill: Oh, Tim.
Tim: Please. Steve didn't even know it was in there until... one of the noodles tried to crawl back out. It was great. Oh, he paid me back. He made me eat my mashed potatoes with a big cockroach in there.
Karen: Oh!
Jill: Tim!
Tim: Oh, quit ohing. They're good. They're crunchy. They're not bad.

Tim: What's that smell?
Jill: It's clam chowder... Mushrooms, raisin and little bits of liver.
Tim: Ugh!
Jill: I want Brad and Randy to think it's tadpole soup.
Tim: That's disgusting. I love it.
Jill: I'm just going with the flow. Go out and tell them that the soup is on. [sinister laugh]