Jill: Come on, people, I got a hundred dollars. Do I hear one-fifty, one-fifty, one-fifty?
Tim: Guy in the back. Two hundred, he says.
Al: I didn't see a hand.
Tim: He's got gloves on.
Jill: OK, we have two hundred dollars. Do I hear three hundred, three hundred, three hundred? Somebody give me three hundred. Anybody give me three hundred, anybody, anybody. Nobody. All right. I bid three hundred dollars.
Al: You can't bid, you're the auctioneer.
Jill: It's my auction and I'll bid if I want to. Three hundred dollars. Going once, going twice. Going home with me for three hundred dollars. [bangs gavel]
Tim: Wait, you put the gavel down too fast. The guy in the back. Speak up, sir.
Man: How can I get tickets to Bob Vila's show?

Jill: It was great. Bob Vila showed up and the bidding went wild.
Randy: How'd dad do?
Jill: Good. Real good. In fact, he was bought by a very attractive woman.
Randy: How much did you pay for him?
Jill: Doesn't matter how much I paid for him.

Brad: How much did Bob Vila go for?
Jill: It's not important.
Randy: Vila kicked his butt, huh?
Jill: You might say that. Just don't say it in front of your father. And I mean it, Randy.
Tim: Hi, guys. [the boys look at Tim] Why you looking at me like that? 'Cause Bob Vila kicked my butt again?
Randy: Well, since the ice is broken... That must have been pretty embarrassing, huh, Dad?
Tim: Thank you, honey.
Randy: He brought it up.

Bob Vila: Thank you, Al.
Al: Oh, no, thank you, Bob. It was the thrill of a lifetime.
Tim: What'd you guys do? Go to Beards R Us?
Al: No. Bob took me for a ride in his new hot rod. It's unbelievable. He has a turbocharged two-liter engine with 370 horsepower. And the whole body is made out of aluminum.
Tim: Big deal. My whole hot rod body is made out of fiberglass. And we all know how fast fiber makes you move.

Tim: Wait a minute, wait. That's it. Why don't we race our hot rods, all right? Meet me at that old airport, the military one on I-94, tomorrow.
Bob Vila: You're on.
Tim: OK. We'll even tape it for Tool Time, so the audience can watch me kick your tailpipes right back to That Old House.
Bob Vila: Tim, the show I do now is called Home Again.
Tim: OK, Bob. Kick your tailpipes Home Again.
Bob Vila: We'll see about that.

Tim: All right. Now we just gotta check the oil. How's it look?
Brad: It's hard to see.
Tim: That's 'cause it's clean. That oil's so clean, you add a little oregano and vinegar, you got a salad dressing.

Tim: Damn!
Jill: Is it my imagination, or are you a bit on edge tonight?
Tim: How would you feel if your solenoid was stuck?
Jill: First I'd cry, and then I'd want to know what a solenoid is.

Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. Just 'cause you can't get the car started is no reason to jump all over me, or Randy.
Tim: Well, I'm sorry, honey, but I'm in a race tomorrow and the car won't start.
Jill: Why don't you just call Bob Vila and ask him if you can race him on Sunday?
Tim: Because I already told him the car was running.
Jill: Why did you do that?
Tim: I don't know. Why does sauerkraut go through me like a laser beam?

Tim: I need to get a new solenoid. I've got to find an auto parts store that's open 24 hours.
Jill: Well, what can I do to help?
Tim: Get a hammer...
Jill: Yeah?
Tim: and four big nails.
Jill: Yeah?
Tim: Go to Bob's hotel and puncture all his tires.

Tim: Honey, I thank you the most because you didn't get jealous, even though I spent more time with the hot rod than with you.
Jill: Oh, I didn't mind that. I just didn't like it when you got us mixed up and tried to rotate my legs.
Tim: You get better mileage now.