Jill: You seem to be taking this loss to Bob Vila pretty well.
Tim: Maybe I don't think it's a loss.
Jill: I like it when you're deluded. You're much easier to deal with.
Tim: I'm just saying I think I could have beat him.
Jill: How do you mean that?
Tim: At the finish line, we were neck and neck. If I'd pushed it to the redline, I could've gone right by him.
Jill: Why didn't you?
Tim: Well, honey, it's a new motor. I didn't break it in. I didn't want to risk blowing the thing up.
Jill: Are you saying you let him win?
Tim: I'm saying Bob bought his hot rod. I put three years into this, I built this thing. I'm not gonna risk wrecking it over some stupid race.
Jill: I'm real proud of you.
Tim: Well, you know what they say. "Spare the rod, to heck with Bob."

Jill: Hey, come on, help me out. Where am I gonna get this money?
Tim: Have a bake sale. Get your cupcakes to everybody. Once the nausea sets in, just grab their wallet.
Jill: How do you think I got the last thousand?

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al Borland. Well, today's your chance to take home TV's top tool man for an entire day. That's right. One lucky bidder will be able to take home... me.
Al: I should mention that it's for a very worthy cause.

Tim: Well, let's bring out our guest auctioneer with a big round of applause. [Jill walks past the stage door] This woman's enjoyed my tool expertise for the last 15 years. Big warm Tool Time welcome for Jill "The Tool Wife" Taylor! Honey, come on.
Jill: Thank you. I should mention that all the proceeds from the auction today go to the Detroit Public Library. Should we start the bidding?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: Actually, before you start the bidding, I have a surprise entry for the auction.
Tim: Surprise?
Al: Yes. I think it'll bring in quite a tidy sum. Let's have a warm welcome for "The Tool Man" that needs no introduction. The grand master of tools, Mr. Bob Vila.

Jill: So, I'm gonna cook dinner. You want some chicken?
Tim: Nah. How about a little piece of Vila, pounded real thin?
Jill: Tim, will you get over it?
Tim: This guy beats me at everything I do. Last year the lawnmower race, now the auction. What's next?
Jill: Look, the important thing is the library got all the money that we needed.
Tim: I'd just like to beat him at one thing. Ice skating, skeet shooting. Bobsledding. Oh, forget that. They probably named it after him.

Bob Vila: Tim, from what I hear, your hot rod's not even running.
Tim: Maybe you haven't heard right, Bob.
Bob Vila: I've gotta go. I've gotta have my hot rod in Grosse Point at ten.
Tim: Bob, it's 9:45. You're never gonna make that.
Bob Vila: Your hot rod couldn't. Mine can.
Tim: Are you suggesting your hot rod can beat my hot rod?
Bob Vila: If the brake shoe fits...

Tim: Got it, I got the... All right, starter's on. Now, if you just hold it up.
Wilson: Will do. Tim, hand me that nine-16ths socket.
Tim: Really appreciate your coming over so late to help.
Wilson: No problem, Tim. I was already up feeding my bats.
Tim: Here you go.
Wilson: Thank you, neighbor Tim. A few turns of this ratchet, and we'll have this starter problem fixed.

Tim: All right, now, the moment we've all been waiting for.
Jill: The moment when you drag us out of bed at 5:30 in the morning?
Tim: No. I unveil the hot rod, we take a little spin.
Brad: All right. Let's do it.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I want to thank a few people first, if I could, OK? All right. Bradley, I want to thank you most of all, 'cause you spent more time on the hot rod with me than anybody. So if something goes wrong tomorrow, I'm blaming you.
Brad: That sounds fair.
Tim: Mark, thanks for all your help.
Mark: Thank you.
Tim: And Randy, what can I say? You're definitely one of my sons.
Randy: Thanks, Dad.

Tim: Hi, everybody. We're on location at the airport to talk about aerodynamics.
Al: No, we're not. We're here so Tim can settle a grudge with Bob Vila.
Tim: In an aerodynamical sort of way. Welcome to Tool Time's first annual quarter-mile drags. Speaking of a drag, you all know my assistant Al Borland.
Al: Our drivers today are Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and he will be driving a 1933 Ford roadster. And driving one of the premier coupes of our time, is one of the premier tool men of our time, Bob Vila.
Bob Vila: I'll wait for you at the finish line, Tim.
Tim: I'll be there with your second-place trophy.
Bob Vila: I doubt that.
Al: Good luck, guys.
Tim: I don't need luck, I just need my car to start.

Jill: You are getting very mature in your old age.
Tim: Ah, you can't stay young forever, honey. Hey. What do you say... We pop ourselves into the rumble seat and make out like we used to?
Jill: Cool. Let's see here.
Tim: All right.
Jill: Wait a minute. I gotta spit out my gum. [spits]