Jill: Let me guess - a note from school. Which one of you is it this time?
Randy: Not me.
Brad: Not me.
Mark: It's me.
Tim & Jill: You?
Tim: Your first letter from a teacher. All right! You're a man. You're in big trouble, but you're a man.

Jill: Mark, what's going on?
Mark: Nothing.
Jill: Well, then, why does your teacher want to meet with us?
Mark: I don't know. I didn't do anything.
Tim: Mark... I use that line on your mom all the time. It hardly ever works.
Jill: It never works.

Tim: Where's the electric can opener?
Jill: Tim.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yes. 17 horse, whoa! We never did find that thing, did we?

Tim: Well, what does she think the problem is?
Jill: She doesn't know. She asked me if there was anything unusual going on at home. Do you think he's upset about me going to school? I mean, maybe he feels abandoned.
Tim: You didn't abandon him.
Jill: Well, I'm not as available as I used to be. I have all these late classes. Library, studying...
Tim: No, no, no. I don't think that's it. Mark likes you out of the house. We all do. [off Jill's look] What I mean is that we're very happy that you're pursuing your dream. Mark?
Jill: Brad, Randy, hurry up. I'm gonna be late for class. So you don't think that I'm the problem?
Tim: No.
Jill: Then it must be you.
Tim: I am not the one that abandoned my child.

Tim: Come on, Mark, we're gonna be late for the doctor.
Mark: Dad, I don't want to get a flu shot.
Tim: Come on, the doctor's office is a lot of fun. While you're waiting, you can play with the blocks.
Mark: Dad, only babies play with blocks.
Tim: Don't you call me a baby.

Jill: Forget about it, Brad. You're not gonna get your own phone.
Brad: It's not for me. You see, Mom, I want this for you.
Jill: Explain to me how you getting a phone benefits me.
Brad: Well, you know how I'm always tying up the phone line? Then you get upset and yell at me, and then you feel bad about it? Well, if I had my own phone, you wouldn't suffer like that.
Jill: I'm touched by your thoughtfulness, Brad, but, actually, I don't mind yelling at you, I find it's a good release for me.

Jill: Did you ask him what's bothering him?
Tim: Yes. What's bothering him is people asking him what's bothering him.
Jill: That's all you got? Did you ask him about me going back to school?
Tim: He's all right with that. I asked him a million things. I got no answers.
Jill: Well, how did you ask him? Were you sensitive? Did you make him feel comfortable?
Tim: Oh, yes, he was quite comfortable. I served hors d'oeuvres, made a perfect Rob Roy. Rubbed his neck a bit, gave him a foot massage. Yes, he was quite comfortable.

Tim: You know, and I kind of resent the fact you think you're a better parent than I am.
Jill: I did not say that.
Tim: Well, that's what it sounded like to me. [doorbell rings] I'll have you know, I spend a lot more time with my boys than most parents. I'm caring, I'm understanding, and I'm responsible. [opens door] Hi, Beth.
Beth: Hi, Mr. Taylor. I'm here to see Randy.
Tim: Randy? Honey, did you pick Randy up from football practice?
Jill: No. His caring, sensitive, responsible father was supposed to do that.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah. I'm on my way.

Jill: Um, I talked to your teacher and she's kinda concerned about you. She thinks that maybe you're having a hard time with something.
Mark: I'm not. Dad already asked me.
Jill: Yeah, well, I know. I just thought that you might feel more comfortable talking to me.
Mark: Nope.
Jill: Oh, come on, honey. You know that you always feel better when you tell me what's wrong.
Mark: Nothing's wrong. Man, you're worse than Dad.
Jill: Do the words "umbilical cord" mean anything to you?

Jill: Hey, guys, how many times have we told you about steaming open letters?
Tim: Yeah, if you're gonna do it, use the teapot here. Much more steam comes out of this thing.
Jill: That's good, Tim. Why don't you teach 'em next time how to pick a lock?
Tim: You think they're ready?