Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Thank you, studio audience. Welcome to Tool Time. I am who I am, I am Tim "The Tool Man." And, of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [applause] Today we've got a great show. We're talking about sharpening tools, 'cause as we all know, a dull tool is a useless tool.
Al: And nobody wants a dull, useless tool. So what do they do? They just replace it with a more exciting, probably better looking tool.
Tim: Or they sharpen it. Which is what Al and I will do today, showing you how to sharpen with this professional knife-sharpening system... Al? Got a minute?
Al: Got the whole rest of my life. It'll just be me, all alone with my tools.
Tim: A guy could do worse.
Tim: Let's start with garden tools, can we? The simplest way to do that is use a two grit whetstone. Al?
Al: Huh?
Tim: What's the matter with you? Are you on that all-corn diet again?
Al: Uh, to sharpen your garden tool, you'll wanna take the whetstone, uh, across the surface of the blade, in strong, smooth strokes, following the, the curve of the blade.
Tim: In a former life, Al was a motivational speaker.

Tim: Let's talk about knives, these are chef's knives, stainless steel with carbon in them. They're very expensive, so it's a good rule of thumb not to use too much pressure. The pressure must be exact.
Al: Well, what do you know about pressure? You know. I'm almost 40 and I'm still single.
Tim: You keep this up, you'll be 40, single and unemployed.
Tim: As I said, these knives are pricey, and you want to pay attention, Al.
Al: I know what I'm doing.
Tim: I'm just saying, with proper care, these tools can always be a precision cutting instrument.
[Sparks fly as Al puts a knife in the sharpener. When he pulls it out, the blade is half the size it was.]

Tim: Al, what's the matter with you?
Al: I just found out Ilene is engaged.
Tim: Ooh, that's the problem. Oh. I thought you were over her.
Al: I am. But, the point is, she's moved on. She's found somebody else. All I've done is switched to a shampoo with jojoba.

Mark: Chicken.
Brad: Oh, no. You know how much Al likes chicken.
Randy: Al likes anything. Just hide the drumsticks so we don't all starve.

Jill: Tim, this is ridiculous. He can't just spend all of his free time here. I've got a paper due Friday, I can't get any work done.
Mark: He's driving us nuts. He keeps following me around, asking me how I meet women.
Randy: Amazing. A grown man as desperate as Mark.

Al: Oh, I tried that once. I spent the whole night alone at the bar building a fort out of swizzle sticks.
Jill: Well, Al, you can't go to a singles bar by yourself. You know, you need to take a friend with you, that way you feel more relaxed and confident.
Al: Well, I don't have any single friends.
Tim: What about Wilson? [Al hems and haws]
Jill: How about Benny?
Tim: No, no, no, no. We wanna attract women, not repel them.

Tim: Hey, hold on a minute, excuse me a second. Back the open marriage mobile up, OK? You want me to go out and look for women?
Jill: Well... oh, either that or we could just have Al here for dinner every night for the rest of our lives.
Randy: Dad, if you love your family, you'll go to the singles bar, cruise for chicks.

Jill: Al's been really lonely, he's hanging around our house way too much. So, I volunteered Tim to go with him to a singles bar for moral support.
Tim: I think this is ridiculous.
Wilson: Well, Tim, there is no sacrifice too great to make for a friend. In the words of the very famous wise men, KC and the Sunshine Band, "Shake your booty."
Tim: Easy to say, it's not your booty.
Wilson: Actually, Tim, I've gone to far greater lengths to help out a friend. I remember when I was in Japan, my old flame, Miyoshi, was too ill to attend a cooking contest. So I donned her kimono, applied a light blush, and submitted her spinach wasabi rice cakes to the judge.
Tim: So, for a friend, you dressed up as a woman?
Wilson: Oh, absolutely. I walked away with first prize. And a marriage proposal from the vice president of Toyota.

Al: Anyhoo, where was I?
Kathy: Sheboygan.
Al: Sheboygan, yeah. The autograph hounds would not give me a moment's peace.
Kathy: Oh, wow. It must be wonderful to work with a star of Al's magnitude. What do you do on the show?
Al: He assists me.
Tim: Actually, I just stand around and he takes shots at my grossly overweight mother.

Donna: Well, Tim, you know, if you feel like hanging out a little longer, then I could always just drive you to work in the morning.
Tim: What kinda car do you got?