Tim: Well, you know, Brad asked me if I could have skipped college and gone right to Tool Time, would I have done that? And I couldn't say that I wouldn't have done that.
Wilson: Ah. And you're afraid if you told Brad to do something that you wouldn't do, you would be a hypocrite.
Tim: Exactly.
Wilson: Tim, to be offered your dream job at such an early age, that would be so flattering. I think anybody would be tempted.
Tim: So do I.
Wilson: You know, for example, when I was young, I had to choose between going to Oxford or becoming a professional mime.
Tim: [mimes "Wow"] That certainly would have impacted our relationship, wouldn't it?

Wilson: You know, Tim, if you had been offered Tool Time when you were 18 years of age, do you think you would have missed anything by not going to college?
Tim: Of course I would've missed college. That's where I met a lot of my friends, and, you know, there's all sorts of great stuff in college. You know, panty raids, keggers. And Chemistry class. They let me work with real stuff.
Wilson: That's when you blew up the lab.
Tim: Allegedly. College was more about expanding my horizons. I learned a lot of stuff.
Wilson: So there you go. You know, it seems to me you can have this talk about college with Brad without being a hypocrite.
Tim: What made you decide not to be a mime?
Wilson: [sighs] I talked myself out of it.

Tim: You worked real hard this year and you got your grades up, didn't you?
Brad: Yeah, in high school. If I go to a school like UCLA, Dad, they'll humiliate me.
Tim: Where did you get an idea like that?
Brad: Grant Scott's brother sent me a book from UCLA. I couldn't even understand the cover.
Tim: Well, you just gotta... [reads] Jeez! It's like a foreign language.
Brad: That's my Spanish book.

Tim: And think about this, half of the starters on the World Cup soccer team came from UCLA.
Brad: Dad, they finished last.
Tim: That's why they need you.
Brad: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Tim: You get into UCLA, I will build you a dorm room of your dreams, man. Just like on Tool Time. What feature would you really like?
Brad: Heidi?

Jill: Brad, honey, relax.
Brad: Okay, go ahead.
Tim: [whistles] Eight-hundred-and-twenty-six million, fifty-thousand and thirty-three.
Brad: Dad, that's my Social Security number.

Jill: Do you realize how close we came to having another son in a foreign country?
Tim: What's with these kids anyway? Other people want to come to America, these kids just want to get out.
Jill: Do you think it's my cooking?
Tim: You combine that with this couch, and...

Brad: It's the closing minutes of the World Cup. Brad Taylor steals the ball and dribbles to the right, cuts back to the left, shoots! It's a goal! Goal, goal, goal! Goal! Oh, yeah!
Tim: [enters] So you're studying hard today, huh?
Brad: Yeah. I'm practicing for the SAT test.
Tim: Is this the part where they ask you to make rain?

Jill: So what do you think?
Brad: New hair?
Jill: No!
Tim: New pants?
Jill: No! New couch! New couch!
Tim & Brad: What new couch?

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The School Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my assistant Al "Husky" Borland.
Al: Thank you.
Tim: Welcome to our Tool Time salute...
Both: Food fight! ... To college.
Al: In today's competitive college environment, a young man needs an edge.
Tim: That's why we've taken that dorm room and given it the old Tool Time twist.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to...
Both: ...the man's dorm room!

Tim: Now, at first blush, this may look like an ordinary college dorm room, but let's scratch that surface a little bit and go deep. The operative word in this dorm room is "efficiency."
Al: Most college students don't have time to do laundry, so it piles up, cluttering the workspace.
Tim: Hey, roomie, what are we gonna do with all this laundry?
Al: Not to worry.
Tim: We've modified this little trash compactor. Aha! Perfect. [Tim pulls out a cube of clothing and hands it Al] Hard to believe there's 16 weeks of my dirty underwear in there, huh? [Al drops the cube]