Brad: Simon's one of Wilson's friends. Dad invited him to the game the other day and he came and told me I was good enough to play professional, and I said, "Yeah. I'm up for it."
Jill: You're up for it? What makes you think that your father and I would even consider allowing you to do this?
Brad: Well, Dad was the one that told me about it.
Jill: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Your father knows about this? He's in favor of this?
Brad: Well, yeah. He seemed excited when Simon told him how good I was. They talked about the whole thing while they were working on the car.
Jill: So while changing a windshield wiper, your father single-handedly decided to change your entire future?
Tim: All right, who's ready to suck down a banger? [off their looks] You can get a salad, too, if you want.

Jill: Tim, when I went to work this morning, I had a son who was headed for college. Now I've got a Chubb.
Brad: Dad, I talked to Simon. I'm gonna be playing professional soccer.
Tim: What?
Jill: Don't act so surprised. You're the one that told him to do it.
Tim: I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
Jill: You invited Simon to go watch him play, right? You told Brad that he was good enough to play pro.
Tim: ... Have you lost weight?

Jill: How could you tell Brad that it's okay for him to play soccer in Europe?
Tim: I didn't say that. I just passed on Simon's compliment, that's all.
Jill: But you know how much trouble he's having with his schoolwork. I mean, telling him that was like dangling a big, fat carrot in front of a starving horse!
Tim: Well, I didn't know the starving horse would eat the big, fat carrot!
Jill: Well, you should have!
Brad: Excuse me, guys. The horse would like to speak.

Jill: I say you are going to college.
Tim: And I say you're going to college, too.
Brad: Okay, Dad, so you're saying if you could've gone straight from high school to Tool Time, are you saying you would have gone to college?
Jill: Well, of course he would have gone to college. Tell him, Tim.
Tim: You... They... The... No, there's... If that... Those... They never... No one called.

Jill: What was that about?
Tim: Well, that question caught me off guard.
Jill: Well, you're on guard now. Go tell him to go to college.
Tim: Jill, look, if I had the chance to skip English Lit and go straight to Tool Time, I probably would have done it.
Jill: That's fine for you, but that's not the message I want our son to hear.
Tim: He asked me a question, I gave him an honest answer. What was I supposed to do?
Jill: You do what most good parents would do, lie.

Brad: Dad, I'm not gonna cut it at UCLA or any other college! Okay? It's gonna be way too hard! I'm gonna flunk out!
Tim: Wait a minute. Is that what this is all about? You're gonna run off to England because you're scared?
Brad: No, I'm not scared.
Tim: You just said you were worried about flunking out. You're gonna go across the sea, go over someplace else. You know, I don't want you becoming a mime!
Brad: What?