Jill: What are you doing with my thesaurus? I've been looking for this all day!
Randy: Well, I borrowed it for a report I'm doing, The Selfish Middle Class.
Jill: Randy. Randy, this is my work station. You can't just come and grab anything you want.
Randy: Hey, it is not my fault. I'm a product of the selfish middle class.

Heidi: Welcome to day two of a very special Tool Time. We're coming to you live from Al's apartment. Now, here's the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Thank you, everybody. Welcome to our second day, as Heidi just said, in Al's apartment, lovely isn't it? I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland. Al?
Al: [o.s.] What?
Tim: We're on the air, Al.
Al: [o.s.] What?! [toilet flushes]
[Al emerges from the bathroom]
Al: You know, you could've given me some warning.
Tim: Where would the fun be in that?

Al: Well, this week we've been showing you how to turn the dead space in your house into living space.
Tim: Now, today's challenge is we're going to figure out how to turn the dead space between Al's ears into a nice bric-a-brac room.
Al: The dead space between your ears could fill the Mall of America. [snorts] [Tim hisses]

Heidi: Today, we'll be installing a sliding pocket door in Al's bathroom. But first, let me show you what we did yesterday. We used this space in the wall to put in a spice rack. Al.
Al: That's right. And then we converted this space that used to be my closet, into a guest bedroom.
Tim: Remote control.
Al: Tim. [the bed drops down from the wall]
Tim: Next, we'll try to convert some poor sap into Al's first house guest.
Al: And then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard.
Tim: Gee, Al, not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom.

Tim: Now the piece de resistance. In the spare room above the header in the kitchen, we have a home entertainment system.
Al: With this set up, my guests can now watch TV in bed.
Tim: Not with that remote, though, Al.
Al: Whoa!
[After the bed closes into the wall with Al still on it, he is catapulted through the wall of the neighboring apartment and lands on a bed with Milton]
Milton: Hey! I don't go in for that sort of thing!

Mark: Mom, can you sew these buttons on my shirt?
Jill: Eww, they're little skulls.
Mark: Yeah. How fast can you do it?
Jill: Well, I'm kinda busy, but I assure you that sewing demonic symbols on my son's clothing will be right at the top of my list.

Tim: Hi, honey.
Jill: Tim? I'm having a really bad day.
Tim: Nice talking to you. [walks away]
Jill: Tim!
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Jill: I want you to build me something. I've been trying to work on this paper all day, and I can't get a moment's peace here. I just need a quiet private place where I can get things done.
Tim: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You want something built, and you want me to build it?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Yes!

Tim: Wait, wait, wait. There's just a few more things I gotta ask you. Hold on. Just a simple few decisions. Paint or wallpaper?
Jill: Paint. I gotta go to therapy, honey.
Tim: Flat, semi-gloss, or matte?
Jill: Uh, surprise me.
Tim: Carpet or wood floor?
Jill: Carpeting.
Tim: OK, plush, saxony or berber?
Jill: I don't care!
Tim: Wait a minute. Take a paint sample with you. [throws the sample at Jill]
Jill: [o.s.] Ow!
Tim: Sorry!

Tim: You are so beautiful. I mean, I... I get excited every time I see you. You feel so good.
Brad: Would, uh, you and your drywall like some time alone?
Tim: I just hope one day that you find something that makes you as happy as this makes me.
Brad: Yeah, me, too. I just hope mine has a head and breathes.
Tim: Now, think about it, son. Look at this. You have a dirty attic, disgusting, dusty and a dream. You fulfill your dream with the sweat of your brow and your two hands. [grunts] Huh?
Brad: I'll, uh, stick with girls.
Tim: [Italian accent] It's like talkin' to a wall.

Jill: I'm sorry I'm late, therapy ran over. Um, we need to talk about the construction.
Tim: Hey, I always got time for that. Picked up all the materials down at Harry Hardware. They all tell me I've got the remodeling glow.