Jill: You know how we're always talking about how we need to find more things that we can do together for fun?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: We always talk about it, but we never do anything about it?
Tim: Let's do something about it. Next weekend: monster truck rally and tractor pull.
Jill: Well, gee. As much fun as that sounds. I was really thinking more along the lines of... ballroom dancing.
Tim: Yeah. Boy, that was my second choice.
Jill: No, no, really. I'm serious. I think it would really be fun to take dancing lessons.
Tim: Me? The King? Remember college? Yeah.
Jill: Tim, disco didn't die. You killed it.

Mark: [answers phone] Hello? Hi. Mommy. Guess what happened to Sir Larry.
Randy: Mark! Don't tell her, stupid. [takes the phone]
Mark: Why? We didn't do anything.
Randy: The guy's locked in a box. Who do you think she's gonna blame? [on the phone] Hi, Mom. Yeah, we're fine. Oh, yeah, he's excellent. A lotta fun. Yeah. Good tricks, too. Um... now? Well... he can't talk right now. [to Brad] She wants to talk to Mark.
Brad: That's because she knows you'll squeal.
Mark: I won't squeal. I promise. [takes the phone] Hello, Mommy. Brad and Randy locked Sir Larry in the trunk. [Brad and Randy chase after Mark]

Wilson: Howdy, neighbor.
Tim: What are you doing over there?
Wilson: Just mending the bellows on my accordion.
Tim: Cool.
Wilson: What's in the trunk?
Tim: A famous magician.
Wilson: Oh, is he coming out of the box?
Tim: As soon as his son comes over and unlocks it.
Wilson: Not much of a trick, Tim.

Wilson: You got a problem?
Tim: Well, it's Jill. I love her. She's the most important thing in my life.
Wilson: What did you do this time, Tim?
Tim: We went out tonight to have a night just by ourselves - real romantic, that kinda stuff - and I spoiled it because of a football game. We won.
Wilson: Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
Tim: I don't know what it is about football and me. I'm obsessed, I think.
Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim?
Tim: I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise and the strategy and the strength. The big guys, the logos. The colorful helmets. The shine and the pads and the mouth guards. The cleats and the hit and the impact. The swearing, the sweat... [grunts] Sets me free, Wilson.

Tim: Once you've cut the opening, you're ready to lay the sink in there, right? Al?
Al: Uh, that's right, Tim.
Tim: You know, home improvement's not just about renovating the kitchen. [Tim talks to camera as Al struggles to carry the sink] There's a lot of other ways to improve your home. Always be aware of your partner's needs. Take time out to share some special time with your spouse. Right, Al?
Al: I'm not married, Tim.
Tim: Well, if you change those shirts and get a haircut, or something.
Al: I got a haircut.
Tim: Get a better one, Al.
Al: OK.
Tim: All right. We drop it on "three", yeah?
Al: On three.
Tim: One.
Al: Two. [drops the sink]
Tim: [groans] Al?

Wilson: I'm sure there are things about her that you don't understand.
Tim: Well, you got that right. You know, that woman has never had a haircut she liked.
Wilson: Well, there you go.
Tim: And I go into her closet. I see 19 pairs of black shoes. What's that all about?
Wilson: Well, Tim, different outfits require different shoes. You got your pumps, your flats, your espadrilles, your open-toes, your T-straps, your patent leather... I could go on and on.
Tim: I get the feeling you could.

Wilson: Well, what you're describing, Tim, is what Aristotle would call a "catharsis".
Tim: Catharsis. How do you spell that? C...
Wilson: Well, let's just say an emotional release, Tim.

Tim: Go? Where are we going?
Jill: Dinner, tonight. Chez Pierre.
Tim: That can't be tonight.
Jill: It most certainly is.
Tim: Well, what about the big game?
Jill: Well, what have you been watching all this time?
Tim: This is the little game right before the big game. The big game's the Rams and the Lions. Why didn't you remind me about dinner?
Jill: Now, don't pull that. I asked you yesterday if you had reconfirmed the reservations. And you said, "Uh-huh." And then I said, "Were they for seven o'clock?" And you said, "Uh-huh." And then I said, "Did you get the baby-sitter?" And you said, "Uh-huh." So I guess that means you didn't get the baby-sitter, huh?
Tim: Uh-uh.

Randy: Who'd you get to baby-sit for us? Linda?
Jill: No. She finds you boys a little... active.
Randy: Good. She smells.

Larry Houdini: Sir Larry Houdini. World's second greatest escape artist. And magician extraordinaire.
Randy: Hey, you're great. I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party.
Larry Houdini: Oh, lovely little girl.
Randy: Chris is a boy.
Larry Houdini: Strange little boy.