Wilson: You called, young Randy?
Randy: What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm practicing walking on hot coals. I'm going to Greece next week for a fire-walking festival.
Randy: Sounds like a hot time.
Wilson: Well, it's a lot more fun than it sounds. Ow, ow, ow!

Randy: You know, it's too bad you're busy. I was gonna ask you if you wanted to direct my school play.
Wilson: Romeo and Juliet?
Randy: Yeah. The director had to drop out.
Wilson: Oh, Randy, I'm so sorry. Normally I would just jump at that chance. Oh! Oh, oh! See, it's long been a dream of mine to direct Shakespeare.
Randy: Well, Wilson, this could make your dream come true. Not to mention my dream of kissing Sharon Liebowitz.
Wilson: Well, Randy, even if I agree to do it, how do you know the school will approve?
Randy: Are you kidding me? They'll love the idea. You've got the qualities no one else has.
Wilson: Oh, really? What are they?
Randy: You're available and you're not pregnant.

Wilson: See, in order to interpret Shakespeare, you have to have a perspective on the time in which he lived. Now, everybody gather 'round. Gather, gather. Gather. Gather, gather.
Todd: Is this guy for real?
Randy: Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Wilson: Now, Shakespeare was born at Stratford-on-Avon in 1564.
Randy: And he wrote a lot of plays. Some were funny, some weren't. So let's get started!
Kids: Yeah!
Wilson: No, no, no. Sit, sit, sit. I can understand what you're saying. You're not the analytical types. So, we'll get right back to the play.

Brad: Hey, Mom, I'm done with my homework. I'm going to the mall.
Jill: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold it! I'll get my keys. I'll drive you over.
Brad: Sorry, Mom. You know the rule. You can't go to the mall until you're done with your homework.
Jill: Why are you suddenly remembering everything I've ever told you?
Brad: 'Cause suddenly it's coming in very handy.

Tim: Hey, Romeo. How's the new director?
Randy: Well, let me put it this way. Five minutes after he arrived, I became a radish and got hugged by a giant potato.
Tim: What is this? Dinner theater?

Wilson: Tim, it is my job to shape this play as I see fit and protect its integrity. I say we have to change the sets.
Tim: You want me to build new sets?
Wilson: I'm afraid so, Tim. And please, please, please think 14th century. You know, I have to reprimand the costumer. She's got Juliet in a bodice from the 15th century.
Tim: Oh, horrors!
Wilson: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Tim: Maybe. I've spent three weeks on these sets. I'm not going to build new ones!
Wilson: As your director, I insist you do!
Tim: Really?
Wilson: Really.
Tim: Well, as your set designer, forget about it. Because I quit!
Wilson: Well, fine, fine, fine, fine!
Tim: Fine, fine, fine!
Wilson: You'll never work in this town again!

Brad: I have to write about two English authors.
Jill: Which ones? [Tim enters]
Brad: I have to compare Chaucer to Bacon.
Tim: Chaucer to Bacon. Chaucer to Bacon. No contest. Chaucer has much less fat.

Jill: So, how'd it go at school?
Tim: Terrible. Wilson wants me to build new sets.
Jill: Are you serious? After all the work you've done already?
Tim: Well, you know what they say. You can lead a horse to aluminum, but you can't force Italians into a garage.

Tim: You out here, Wilson?
Wilson: Yes, I am, Tim, but I am kind of busy. Thanks to you, I'm not only the play's director, I'm also the set designer, along with many other jobs too numerous to mention.
Tim: I think we should talk about what happened with you and me today.
Wilson: Oh, that's all right, neighbor. It was just that our visions clashed. Happens all the time in the theater. Happened with the costumer. You know, it's not easy firing an eighth grader.
Tim: You fired little Susie Harris?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I had to. A Montague would never wear this to a Capulet's ball.

Tim: Wilson, don't you see what's happening here? You're driving everybody crazy.
Wilson: I am?
Tim: I can't believe I'm even saying this. But you're taking all the fun out of Shakespeare.
Wilson: But my only aim was to put on a quality production.
Tim: I know that. And... there might not be a production at all. A lot of kids are thinking of quitting.
Wilson: They are?
Tim: Yeah. Juliet, Romeo... Cappuccino, Montezuma, everybody.