Jill: How do you feel about some killer chili? You want to stay for dinner?
Gregory: Sorry. I can't masticate in front of strangers.
Tim: Who can?

Wilson: Well, my drama department wanted me to rewrite my play. But I was very passionate about Walking Naked.
Jill: So, you refused to make any of the changes?
Wilson: No, no, no, no. Quite the opposite. I caved in, rewrote the whole play. It was a big success.
Jill: You must've been thrilled!
Wilson: Uh-uh. No, I felt terrible because I compromised the integrity of the play.
Jill: So, you think that I should just stick to what I wrote originally?
Wilson: You know, Jill, your name is gonna be on that thesis forever. Shouldn't it represent something that you truly believe in?
Jill: Yes, it should. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you, Wilson. You're always so sensible.
Wilson: Well, my pleasure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an old brown bat to seduce.

Mark: [on tape] And those are the Taylors. If they are the typical American family, this country's in trouble.

Mark: Hey, Mom! Did you ever get a hold of your professor?
Jill: No. And, you know, none of this would've happened if you hadn't taped me without my knowledge. Don't you know that's illegal?
Mark: It would be, except you said I could tape you. I have it on tape.

Dr. Hanover: Well, speaking for the committee, we feel that your thesis is basically quite solid.
Jill: Oh, good.
Dr. Miller: But we felt there were a few things that were just a hair off.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Hanover's bald head]
Jill: A hair off?
Dr. Hanover: Dr. Miller, would you like to elaborate?
Dr. Miller: Well, I...
Jill: Was it the conclusion? Was it too thin? Sparse? I mean, shallow?
Dr. Miller: I wasn't ready to talk about the conclusion just yet.
Jill: Oh, sorry, I jumped ahead... I mean forward.

Dr. Miller: On page 48, you say that feminism has complicated the traditional psychological dynamic between fathers and sons. Can you elaborate on that?
Jill: Yes, I can. Um... As I stated on page 49, "Fathers have to teach their sons that women and men are equal, even though they may not have been raised with that belief."
Dr. Hanover: Point well taken.
Jill: Thank you, Dr. Comb-over... Hanover!

Wilson: Walking Naked is a play I wrote in college. It's a saga of an Aztec warrior who finds himself in New Jersey.
Jill: Ah. Primitive man adapts to modern society...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. It's about a guy who loses his clothes in Newark. And funny stuff happens to him.

Al: Next you want to put in your chili mix.
Tim: Right. And a manly jalapeño pepper. Now, if there's women-folk partaking, you might want to go easy.
Heidi: Oh, please!
Al: Now, you want to let this stew for about a day.
Brant Von Hoffmann: But we have a pot here all ready for tasting.
Heidi: That's right.
Tim: Oh, yeah.
Heidi: Okay. Oh, clumsy me.
[After Heidi knocks some utensils off the cabinet, the guys all bend down to help her out. Heidi empties the bowl of jalapeño pepper into the chili.]
Heidi: Okay, here you go, boys.
Brant Von Hoffmann: Thank you.
Heidi: Oh, I'm sorry... "Men."
Todd Von Hoffmann: Al! Al, not with a spoon. Always eat three-alarm chili with a saltine.
Al: Absolutely!
Brant Von Hoffmann: That's right.
Heidi: I upped it to eight-alarm just to weed out the men from the boys.

Brad: I can't believe I have to waste my Friday night watching your stupid video.
Mark: It's payback for having to watch you kick your stupid soccer ball.
Tim: Guys, this is what family's all about, you know? Doing stuff together that you hate.

Jill: Oh, my gosh! That's Dr. Hanover.
Tim: [chuckles] Call him Dr. Comb-over.
Jill: Ssh, ssh.
Brad: [chuckles] That was a good one.
Jill: This guy is head of the Psych Department. I have to defend my thesis to him tomorrow.
Brad: Are you sure he shouldn't be defending his haircut to you?
Tim: Good one.