Tim: Don't think of the audience as a group. When I first did Tool Time, I was petrified. So I tried to visualize it as just one person.
Jill: The first time you did Tool Time there was just one person.
Tim: That's not my point. I tried to visualize that person as being in their underwear.
Jill: He was in his underwear.
Tim: He was not.

Brad: Come on, Dad, we want to go back to the park. I told Bob and Stinky that we'd be back.
Tim: Well, Bob and Stinky are just gonna have to wait. 'cause we're gonna clean this house up for your ma. We do that to support our woman.
Brad: I don't have a woman.
Tim: Well, maybe Stinky could set you up with one.
Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.
Randy: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.
Tim: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out, I tell you.

Wilson: Well, she's probably just afraid of appearing foolish in public. I believe it was Samuel Clemens who said...
Tim: Samuel Clemens?
Wilson: Well, you'd know him better as Mark Twain.
Tim: Oh.
Wilson: But that was just a pseudonym. A sobriquet.
Tim: Of course - a pseudonym, a sobriquet. Spell one of those. Pick one. Just...
Wilson: Let's just say pen name, Tim.
Tim: OK.
Wilson: Anyway, he said: "Better to have people think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." [chuckles] My, my, my, my. What do you think about that, Tim? [Tim is silent] Tim.

Tim: We've cut all our side panels. And I've just finished drilling the holes for our dowel joints. If I were to put a hinge right here, Al, we'd have a pretty swinging joint, wouldn't we? [imitates trumpet] Take it, Al.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: You know, Jill. I think I've got the problem licked. Best summed up by this wonderful quote: "It is better not to open your mouth and appear foolish, than to open it and fool them."
Jill: Thank you, honey. That's a big help.
Tim: It's Mark Twain.

Tim: Jill, it's just a two-minute speech.
Jill: Yeah, but it's to 250 people.
Tim: You're... You're making a lot more out of this than it really is.
Jill: Well, that's easy for you to say. You do this for a living. It doesn't bother you, you know? You love attention and you have a big mouth.

Tim: We are gonna clean the house the power way.
Brad: Cleaning the house is a girl's job.
Tim: Hey, hey, we are enlightened men. And enlightened men share household responsibilities, right?
Mark: What's "enlightened"?
Randy: It means "scared of Mom".

Tim: What the hell have you been doing up there?
Jill: I just feel self-conscious getting up in front of a group of people.
Tim: You don't like the way you look?
Jill: What's wrong with the way I look?
Tim: Nothing. That was just a question.
Jill: Why was that the first question you asked?
Tim: All right, here's another first question. Are you so attractive and thin you're afraid to go up in front of people?
Jill: So, what, you're saying I'm fat and ugly?
Tim: I'm not gonna win at this, am I?
Jill: It's not looking good.

Jill: I'm serious. Where is the vacuum cleaner?
Tim: Oh, you mean the Daisy Soft Sweep Decor Model in burnt almond?
Jill: That's the one.
Tim: I think you're gonna like what we did. Mark, plug her in.
Jill: Well, that doesn't look too bad.
Tim: On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.
Jill: Did you rewire it?
Tim: I tweaked it.
Jill: Well, it sounds the same.
Tim: That's because it's in the "whisper" mode for light cleaning. If you want to get the deep-down dirt, we turn to the new "power suck" mode.
[As Tim turns the vacuum up, papers fly through the living room and Mark grabs onto the door frame as he floats into the air]

Tim: Jill, I thought you were working on that library speech.
Jill: Well, I came down to get something to eat. And I noticed the refrigerator light was out.
Tim: So?
Jill: So I happen to think it's very important to have a nice, bright refrigerator light.
Tim: Jill, you're procrastinating again.
Jill: I am not procrastinating. Ew. Look at this refrigerator. It's filthy. I have to clean this now.
Tim: Jill, why did you agree to give this speech?
Jill: Because I want to give this speech.
Tim: Then why aren't you working on it?
Jill: Because I had to replace the refrigerator light.