Tim: Look, you don't have to do anything the rest of the day except breathe and write that speech. I'll keep the boys out of your hair. I'll handle everything. Just try to go upstairs and finish the speech.
Jill: Thank you, sweetie.
Tim: Got it.
Jill: But first I'm gonna clean the house, 'cause it's really filth.
Tim: No, you're not getting off the hook. Go upstairs, write the speech. Stop procrastinating. I will clean this house, top to bottom.
Jill: Do you promise that you won't rewire or blow up anything?
Tim: Why are you so mean to me?

Jill: Do you really think I can do this thing?
Tim: Yes, of course. You can do anything you want, Jill. Nobody thought you could land me as a husband and...
Jill: Well, that's certainly inspirational.

Tim: Anyway, next time, Al and I will show you how to complete the entire bookcase. And that brings us to the Tool Time tip of the day: housecleaning. Oh, I can hear the guys out there going, [inquisitive grunt] "Get the wife in here, Tim. So she can hear this." No, no, no, men. Housekeeping, housecleaning. House-taking-care-of is like shop maintenance. It's for men, too. Men, it's the '90s. We should share in the housecleaning responsibilities, right? [audience are silent] I didn't hear anything. You know, I'm judging from the lack of enthusiasm that you men are disinterested. And maybe it's because they do not design housecleaning equipment with men in mind. If they did, it would have what?
Audience: More power!
Tim: You're darn right, more power. And maybe a little style, too. How can they expect us to clean a house with housecleaning equipment that's not designed for us? Oh, the Daisy Soft Sweep Decor Series in harvest gold. The vacuum cleaner from hell. What is this all about? I want a man's vacuum cleaner. How about an Indianapolis 500 version? All burnished chrome, matte black, analogue gauges, turbo boost in there. [imitates engine] More power, it'll suck the throat out of a parrot. [grunts] Whew. Maybe I stepped over the line just a little bit just then. But I think you get my point. There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework. I mean, Al does a lot of the cleaning around here.
Al: I do all the cleaning, Tim.
Tim: Yeah, right, Al.
Al: Well, I could use some help.
Tim: We all could, Al. I'm Tim Taylor. I want to give you a little tip here. Half the dirt in the world is men's. Let's clean it up. See you next time.

Tim: Let me ask you this. Have you gotten past the point where you say: "Good afternoon. It's a pleasure to be here today"?
Jill: Can I use that?
Tim: You haven't written your first line yet?
Jill: Yes, but yours is better.

Jill: Okay, look, give me that first line again.
Tim: "Good afternoon..."
Tim: "It's a pleasure to be here today."
Jill: "It's a pleasure to be here today."
Tim: Wait, wait, wait. Think I've got the last line for you. "Thank you very much. It's been a pleasure being here today."

Randy: I've got a great joke for you. You can use it in your speech, if you want.
Jill: Oh, okay. Shoot.
Randy: OK, I got it. If a snake married an undertaker, what would their towels say?
Jill: A snake and an undertaker. I don't know. What?
Randy: "Hiss" and "hearse". [laughs]

Jill: Now, how's your dad doing with all that housecleaning?
Randy: Okay.
Brad: Yeah, okay.
Jill: I don't like the looks of that look. What's going on?
Brad: Uh... nothing.
Randy: Dad's not doing anything.
Jill: What exactly is Dad not doing?
Brad: He's not rewiring the vacuum.

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hmm.
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Just carving out a canoe, Tim.
Tim: Sounds hard.
Wilson: Not really, Tim. You just take a big block of wood and chip away everything that's not a canoe.

Tim: Say, Wilson, are you afraid of speaking in public?
Wilson: To be honest with you, Tim, I don't go out in public.
Tim: Ah. Jill's got to give a speech today and she's really concerned about it.
Wilson: Perfectly natural.
Tim: It's not natural. I like speaking in public. I talk all the time. Some days I get in conversations with people I don't even know. I mean, I'll talk and talk... Sometimes I...
Wilson: Tim.
Tim: What?
Wilson: I get the point.

Tim: The speech isn't the problem. What is going on here?
Jill: Tim, I'm gonna be standing up there in front of 250 people. That's 500 eyes watching me. 500 ears listening to me.
Tim: Ugh. That's 1,000 organs, no wonder you're nervous.