Tim: Look, I've had it. I'm gonna get out of here and go to Eddie's party.
Al: You can't leave the awards show in the middle of it! That's poor sportsmanship. Look at the Knitting with Norm table. Have they won anything tonight? No. But they're still here.
Tim: Do you want to be like him? The man's knitting a toaster cover in public.

Jill: But we can't all get up and leave at the same time.
Irma: You're right. It would look really bad.
Tim: All right, Al and Ilene, you go to the bathroom and put your costumes on. We'll meet you out in the lobby in ten minutes, okay?
Al: I don't want to go.
Tim: Come on!
Al: There's still five awards left, and Irma can't win them all.
Announcer: And now the award for Best Lighting. The winner is... Irma Goes to the Fruit Stand.
Al: All right, let's go change. Come on, let's go.

Jason: Brad, you've been working on your hair for an hour and a half.
Brad: Yeah. But you gotta admit it was worth it. [Jason turns the TV on] What are you doing? Turning on the Cable Awards. That way, when your parents get home, we'll know what happened.
Brad: How'd you get so smart?
Jason: I've thrown a lot of parties at other people's houses.

Irma: [chuckling] Maybe next year they should just move my table right up on the stage!
Tim: Or maybe have the ceremony in your living room!
Irma: [cackles]
Tim: [imitates Irma's laugh]

Tim: Congratulations, buddy. Now you have something to put on your mantel instead of that big picture of your mom you blew up.
Al: That wasn't blown up.

Boy: Hey, I'm out. You got any butts?
Randy: Just one. And don't even think about lighting it up.

Jill: What is going on here?
Tim: Give me that beer!
Jill: Who are these kids?
Boy: Hey, Lancelot! What are you doing here?
Tim: Puff and I own this castle.

Randy: Mom? Dad? You guys came back early.
Tim: What are all these kids doing in the house?
Randy: Mostly torturing me.
Jill: Where's Brad?
Randy: Well, gee, I don't want to get Brad in trouble, but check over there by the beer cans and the cigarette butts.
Jill: Brad! Brad! Brad! You are in so much trouble!
Tim: And you know she means it. You can tell by the look on her face.

Jill: You never answered my question! Whose idea was this?
Brad: Jason's.
Jill: But you went along with it. I mean, we give you some responsibility, this is what happens?
Brad: Hey, I didn't want any responsibility.
Tim: OK. We'll remember that in two years when you want your driver's license.
Brad: By then I might be ready for some responsibility.

Jill: You had a sick brother at home, the house is a mess, there are cigarette burns on the couch.
Tim: And what about all this alcohol!
Brad: They brought it! There's nothing I can do about that.
Tim: I don't want your friends bringing alcohol into this house.
Brad: I wasn't drinking!
Tim: Everybody was under age. And I don't care whether you were drinking or not. You know, if anything happened to these kids, Puff and I would be responsible.