Tim: Never in my wildest dreams did I believe I could break Bob Vila's record.
Al: I believed in you.
Tim: Yeah?
Al: Oh, yeah. The minute I met you, I knew you could break anything.

Jill: Brad, put your napkin in your lap.
Tim: Mark, pass me the meat. Don't stick your finger in the gravy, please.
Jill: Now, we're going to go around the table and find out how everybody's doing. Randy, put something green on your plate.
Randy: I did. It's the meatloaf.
Jill: Very funny.

Jill: Look, guys, come on, there must be something you want to share, something you're looking forward to.
Mark: Well, I'm really looking forward to going to the air show with Dad next Sunday.
Tim: Nothing better for a father and son than all day sucking on corn dogs and breathing toxic jet fumes. Yeah!
Randy: Gosh, Dad, you make it sound so appealing.
Jill: Don't knock it. Your father and Mark look forward every year to sucking up those toxic fumes together.
Mark: This year the Blue Angels are performing.
Tim: That's right. You guys remember when the Blue Angels let me ride in the back of the airplane?
Brad: Yeah, they'll never forget it. They spent a week hosing it out.
Tim: You know what I read this year? They're going to bring an F-117 to simulate a bomb run.
Mark: Ooh. Are they dropping the Mark 54s or the Mavericks?
Tim: Both.
Mark: All right.
Jill: Isn't this great? Having a conversation just like a family.
Randy: Yeah, nothing brings a family together like bomb talk.

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time.
Al: Today we're going to talk about vises in the workshop.
Tim: Simple. Just don't drink or gamble when you use the bench grinder.
Al: We're talking about bench vises.

Tim: There's a little problem with me staying here tomorrow.
Dr. Knell: What's that?
Tim: No can do. I'm breaking Vila's record on Tool Time tomorrow.
Dr. Knell: What's Tool Time?
Tim: [laughs] Now you're going to tell me you don't know who Bob Vila is.
Dr. Knell: No, I know who Bob Vila is.

Jill: It's just a stupid record. Having the permanent use of your arms is more important.
Tim: There's a solution here. I've got the solution.
Jill: Yeah, listen to the doctor.
Tim: No, no, we'll just do Tool Time here. We'll bring the steamroller here. Your wheelchair ramps need repaving.
Jill: You can't work the day after surgery.
Dr. Knell: It's out of the question. How can you even think of doing a TV show when you're injured?
Jill: You really haven't seen his show.

Dr. Knell: [on the phone] And you're the prettiest nurse in Dialysis, Becky... No, I mean it. I'll see you Saturday night. Yeah, love you.
Tim: [imitates machine beep]
Dr. Knell: I gotta go.
Tim: Gotcha, huh?

Tim: [inner monologue] I don't need rest. I feel great. I'm the Tool Man. A separated shoulder shouldn't stop me. Heck, I once did a show with three broken ribs and my hair on fire! Well, that was easy. Now, I'll just go to the location, break Vila's record and come right back. [reaches for a shirt in the wardrobe] [screams] Mental note, lifting is bad. [flips off the bed as he rocks back and forth trying to put on his socks] Mental note, next time wear sandals.

Jill: Brad, Randy, Mark, we're heading to the hospital to see Dad.
Mark: I'm bringing his Blue Angels sweatshirt.
Randy: Something he has to pull over his head. Thoughtful gift for a guy who just had shoulder surgery.
Jill: I'll help him put it on. I'm calling him, tell him we're coming.
Brad: Hey, instead of those boring family dinners, maybe we can all get together and dress Dad.
Randy: Yeah! And then tomorrow, the family bath.
Brad: There we go!
Jill: Very funny. There's no answer. He was pretty wiped out after the surgery. He's probably still sleeping.
Randy: Let's go wake him up as a family.

Jill: Well, he wasn't released and nobody's seen him.
Randy: Maybe we should check the psycho ward.
Jill: That was the first place I looked.
Mark: The suitcase is here, but there's no clothes in it.
Jill: So... he got dressed and left, and... [they all look up at the TV] ...oh, no.