Randy: What are you doing?
Brad: Remember when Jennifer told me to keep the bowl well lit? I think I moved the bowl a little too close to the desk lamp.
Randy: Well, that was smart. What did you think? He wanted to read in bed?
Brad: I didn't know the water would get that hot. Just take him out and see if he flops around.
Randy: No way. The only slimy thing I touch is you.
[After Brad reaches in and grabs the goldfish, he places it on the kitchen counter]
Randy: One, two, three. He's fried.

Brad: Oh, man. What am I gonna do?
Randy: Hey, I know. You can buy her a fish that looks exactly like him.
Brad: Yeah, great idea. [picks up the bowl] Let's go to the pet store.
Randy: What are you bringing that for?
Brad: Well, we need to bring him along to compare.
Randy: Well, it's not like he needs the bowl.
[Brad grabs the goldfish, shakes the water off and places it in his pocket]

Tim: All right, under the car. Man territory. The beauty's up top. This is where the power is, son.
Mark: Mom wasn't happy that you did this to her car.
Tim: Well, actually, it's our car.
Mark: But Mom drives it.
Tim: Yeah, but I paid for it. I restored it, so...
Mark: So it's really yours?
Tim: Well, technically, yeah.
Jill: Is that right?
Tim: [metal clink] Ow! Ow!
Jill: So, technically, this is your car?
Tim: Technically, I got a mild concussion.

Brad: I can't believe it. Four different pet stores, and we couldn't find one that matched Howard's spot.
Randy: How was I supposed to know that there are 20 different types of goldfish?
Brad: Jennifer's gonna be really mad when she sees Howard floating there, dead.
Randy: Wait. What if he's not floating?
Brad: What?
Randy: What if we took a very tiny ball bearing and stuck it in his mouth? He'll sink to the bottom. She'll think he's alive.
Brad: Yeah. Then she'll take him home and think she killed him.

Tim: You over there, Wilson?
Wilson: Down here, good neighbor.
Tim: Are you making a snow angel?
Wilson: Well, I guess I am, neighbor. But, actually, I'm preparing for my annual snowshoe expedition through the Upper Peninsula, and I'm just making sure that my long johns stay toasty and dry. Whoa! Tim, I think I've found a spot that is not quite waterproof. Oh.
Tim: Can I ask you a question?
Wilson: Hop on my sled, neighbor.

Tim: And now for the point I've really been waiting for - the heavy-duty sanding. And for heavy-duty sanding we're gonna need a very special tool. Lisa?
Lisa: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: What do you got there?
Lisa: Oh, it's a 2100 model electric drum sander.
Tim: That's right. Four-and-a-half horsepower patented stabilizer.
Lisa: Not to mention full swiveling trailing-wire support.
Tim: Almost more than a man can take. [grunts] Thank you.
Lisa: You're welcome.

Al: You might also wanna mention, Tim, that this particular sander weighs over 240 pounds.
Tim: [groans] Could you help me with the...? Put an apron on there, we'll call it "Al's Mom."
Al: Now, because of the weight and the nature of the wood surface, in our case pine, I would suggest going with the 2400 rpms as opposed to the 28.
Tim: Thanks for sharing that, Al. But I think I'm gonna go with 4200 rpm.
Al: Well, Tim, it doesn't go up to 4200.
Tim: Does now, my stout little friend. I rewired it. Now, when going with a plank floor like this, you want to go with the grain.
[As Tim starts to sand, the planks of wood break and the sander falls through]
Tim: On first glance, this might seem like I screwed up. [coughs] But I've actually done this to prove an important point.
Al: That you know absolutely nothing about sanders?
Tim: No. That too much power is not always a good thing. And I know what you're asking. What kind of power is he talking about?
Al: I know I am.

Jill: Where's Jennifer?
Brad: She's not here yet.
Jill: Oh, well, I'll bet she's gonna be happy to see Howard. Howard, did you miss Jennif... Brad! This fish is not alive.
Brad: Yeah, it is.
Jill: It's standing up straight. Fish don't do that.
Brad: I trained him. Good fish. Keep standing.

Jennifer: Hi, Bradley. Thanks for taking care of Howard.
Brad: Oh, he was no trouble.
Randy: He slept most of the time.

Brad: Listen, Jennifer...
Jennifer: Brad, is there something wrong with Howard?
Brad: He's kind of... dead.
Jennifer: What happened?
Randy: Well, let's just say he saw a bright light and went towards it.