Tim Quote #1333
Quote from Tim in He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible
Tim: Well, you spend all the time you want polishing your family jewels. But that's not what we're talking about, we're talking about car finishes. As you can see, we've got several hoods out here. As a matter of fact, there's a couple of hoods backstage waiting for Al. He's apparently a little late on his flannel payment.
Al: You know, one of these days you're gonna run out of flannel jokes.
Tim: Oh, I don't think so, Al. Not with my Complete Flannel Joke Book. "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there." "Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my flannel." "Please, take my flannel." [Al takes the book] There's also the handy wallet-size version. "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow."
More Home Improvement Quotes
‘He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible’ Quotes
Quote from Marty
Tim: I'm really glad you showed up.
Marty: Yeah, you missed me, huh?
Tim: No. if you hadn't shown up, Jill would still be chewing me out over this little hole. She will not fight in front of company. So as long as you're here, she won't yell at me.
Marty: Man, I wish Nancy was more like that. She doesn't care who's around. Remember she yelled at me at Uncle Henry's memorial service?
Tim: Marty, you lost the man's ashes.
Marty: I didn't lose them. I got into the convertible...
Tim: Which was your first mistake. And you're lucky I saved your butt. Do you know how many cigars I had to smoke to make one Uncle Henry?
Quote from Al
Tim: Now, if the finish on your car is like this, in pretty good shape, what you need is a mild abrasive before you wax. For that, we recommend Binford's 2000 Polishing Compound.
Al: That's right. A dab on a soft cloth, and you'll have a shine you can be proud of. Look! I can see myself.
Tim: Okay, if you want to remove oxidation from surfaces, you need something a bit more abrasive.
Al: Like a can of Tim's personality.
Tim: Of course, a can of your personality would be empty.
Tim Taylor Quotes
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.