‘He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible’
Season 4, Episode 5 - Aired October 18, 1994
Tim's brother Marty (William O'Leary) stops by and confides in Tim that he's thinking of leaving his wife.
Quote from Jill
Brad: Mom, I thought you said Dad fixed the telephone.
Jill: Honey, I'm working here.
Brad: I'm sorry. But I was talking to Ashley and we kept getting disconnected.
Jill: She lives around the corner. Just go over there.
Brad: How long can I stay?
Jill: Till one of us graduates.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Where's the pizza?
Tim: Pizza? It's... It's being delivered.
Jill: You forgot the pizza.
Tim: Marty's fault.
Jill: Where's Marty?
Tim: I don't know.
Jill: You forgot the pizza and Marty.
Quote from Tim
Tim: I'll tell you what happened, after Tool Time, we went to Big Mike's to have a beer. We started talking. He's thinking about leaving Nancy.
Jill: What?
Tim: Said after the kids, their relationship had deteriorated. I don't think he knows whether he's coming or going.
Jill: Oh, my God. Nancy must be devastated.
Tim: He hasn't told her yet.
Jill: Wait a minute. He told you before he told her?
Tim: I'm the only one that knows. Me and everyone at Big Mike's. Put a big crimp in happy hour, I'll tell you that.
Quote from Tim
Jill: Oh, I hope Marty's OK.
Tim: He'll be all right. He just needs to cool off.
Jill: You know what, when he comes home, you should have him talk to me.
Tim: No, he's my brother. He's my problem.
Jill: Tim, when you marry somebody, you marry their whole family. What would you do if my sister was in trouble?
Tim: Run like the wind.
Quote from Marty
Tim: Where'd you go after the bar?
Marty: Ah. I waited outside for you to leave, then I ducked back in. You know - had a beer, ate a sandwich. Counted the flies on the pest strip.
Both: 43.
Quote from Marty
Tim: Marty, I used to take care of things for you. I can't do that anymore.
Marty: I wasn't asking you to take care of anything. I want... I just wanted you to listen.
Tim: Fair enough. Good. I'm listening. Tell me what's going on.
Marty: Nancy and I don't have any time together anymore. You know what I mean? I knew raising the twins was gonna be hard, but I didn't know it'd be like this. You know, she and I used to reach for each other in the middle of the night. Now we're reaching for the babies.
Tim: Hey, little brother, this is real common. Everybody goes through this. When you were first dating her, you were grabbing for each other. And when you first got married, you were grabbing for each other. Once you have kids, it's the end of that tune.
Marty: There hasn't been any music in our house in six months.
Tim: Whoa.
Marty: Yeah. Tell me about it.
Tim: No wonder you're so cranky. I know it probably feels like the band packed up, but once the kids grow up a little bit more, there's much more time for you and Nancy.
Marty: You're saying the band will come back?
Tim: Maybe not all of the band. But at this point, you're probably happy with a kazoo and a whistle.
Quote from Tim
Tim: You gotta wait a while. But then it gets really fun. They walk, they talk. You can roughhouse with 'em. Teach 'em to be guys like us.
Marty: Tim. They're girls.
Tim: Are they? They're awful hairy for girls.
Marty: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Tim: Well, then, teach them how to stay away from guys like us.
Marty: [grunts] Don't want 'em around guys like us.
Tim: [grunts] You don't want around guys like us.
Marty: [grunts] It'd be no good.
Tim: [grunts] No good. Break this thing, I'll kill you.
Quote from Tim
Jill: Well! I finally finished my paper in peace and quiet. Wilson let me do it over at his house.
Tim: If you were really smart, you'd have let him write it.
Jill: Did Marty call?
Tim: Yup. He sounded pretty good, too.
Jill: It's a struggle when you're first starting out. You remember those awful fights we used to have?
Tim: Who could forget yesterday?
Jill: Yeah, but we know that you're not leaving me and I'm not leaving you.
Tim: So you forgive me for putting a hole in the floor?
Jill: That depends. Does the vacuum work?
Tim: "Does the vacuum work?" Watch this. [the vacuum sucks up Jill's paper] You should always back up your work.