Karen: What in the world is that?
Jill: Well, come on, Karen. Don't you know a reciprocating saw when you see one? It cuts through any thick surface: refrigerator, walls, Tim's head. [grunts]

Tim: Now that we've sanded down our table top, it's time to apply the decorative laminate. Al, you wanna spread the glue for me, please?
Al: I live to laminate, Tim.
Tim: While Al does that, I'd like to speak to you, if I could. I'm a little cheesed. Some people say the reason men are into tools is because we're insecure. These same people say that men are into more power because we're destructive and aggressive. Well, let me explain something to you. We're neither destructive or aggressive. What we are is creative. Let's look at some of the things built over time using tools. The great pyramids of Egypt. The Great Wall of China. Indy... of Indy. The Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Al: Uh, Tim, I believe the Leaning Tower was considered a huge structural mistake.
Tim: Well... Look at that. That's an accomplishment. This tower's been leaning for over 800 years, and it hasn't fallen over. Kind of reminds me of my mother-in-law. [laughs] I'm kidding, Nana.

Jill: Are you sure this is gonna work?
Tim: Yes. The hospital said that nail-polish remover would soften the glue.
Karen: You must have felt pretty silly walking in there like that.
Tim: Oh, no, nonsense, Karen. There were a lot of people in there with furniture stuck to their heads.

Karen: Okay, okay. Let me ask you another question. Tool Time goes national, but you have to move to New York. Do you go?
Tim: Yeah. It's my job. It'd be the perfect op... If it's OK with Jill.
Karen: Oh, so you're saying that your job is more important than hers?
Tim: She doesn't have a job.
Karen: Answer the question, Tim. Do you move to New York or Seattle?
Tim: I think a lot depends on where you'll be living.

Jill: You're gonna have to stand up real straight, like a soldier, okay? Put this hand here on my back and this left hand in my hand here.
Brad: Ew, I can't dance with my mother.
Jill: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now, get over here.

Tim: Every time Jill gets together with her friend Karen. They accuse me of being aggressive and destructive, starting wars. They blame me for everything.
Wilson: Well, Tim, that's just the burden you bear for living in a patriarchal society.
Tim: Yeah, patriarchal - dominated by men.
Wilson: [inquisitive grunt] That's right, Tim!
Tim: Mm-hmm. From the Latin pater, which means "father".
Wilson: Well, shiver my timbers. Tim, I am impressed.
Tim: Well, don't be. I saw it on a rerun of Mannix.

Tim: The point is, it's not my fault that women have not ruled the world. Men have ruled the world.
Wilson: Well, that hasn't always been true, Tim.
Tim: Huh?
Wilson: There was a time when we had a matriarchal society.
Tim: A matriarchal society. Run by maître d's?
Wilson: No, Tim. It's when women ruled the world.
Tim: Get outta here. Where they didn't have wars, they had Bake-Offs?

Jennifer: My dad watches your show, Mr. Taylor. He's a real big fan.
Tim: Hey, I'll get him an autographed picture.
Jennifer: Oh, that would be great. Could you make it of Al? He really loves Al.
Tim: We all do. Brad! Get on down here, will ya?

Brad: I'm just scared when I hold her my hands will get all sweaty and gross.
Tim: Oh, simple trick I used to do. All right, wad these up, put 'em in your pants pockets. At the first hint of dampness, shove your hands in your pockets, dry 'em off. Bring 'em out and you're back in the ball game.
Brad: But what if I lead with the wrong foot or step on her toes?
Tim: Dancing's not about who's leading.
Brad: Mom says the man always leads.
Tim: Well, when men and women are dancing correctly, no one's leading. You just move with the music. You don't know how you get there, but you just get there. That's kind of like how your mom drives. [laughs]

Jill: Oh, the country club. You're gonna get to get all dressed up. But you know what? You need a new tie
Brad: What's wrong with the tie I've got?
Jill: Nothing, except I don't think the Slurpee stains go with your shirt.