Tim: Karen's coming over here?
Jill: Yes, she'll be here any minute.
Tim: Every time she comes over, she twists everything I say into a feminist argument. Why don't you meet her at the store?
Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. She's my good friend. I like her.
Tim: She just comes over to make fun of me.
Jill: That's why I like her.

Karen: Oh, men get so insecure when you make fun of their tools.
Jill: Tell me about it.
Tim: I am not insecure.
Jill: Honey, when we say "men", we're not talking about you.
Tim: You gals go ahead and laugh, I just want you to know I'm a very secure man.
Karen: You know, Jill, I can understand why men like all these big, powerful tools.
Tim: Do tell.
Karen: All right. They feed right into their destructive and aggressive... tendencies.
Tim: Well, thank you, Oprah.

Al: Well, the glue is spread, Tim.
Tim: Is it, Al? Okay, before we get to gluing. I want to introduce Binford's new Miracle Glue.
Al: Uh, Tim, you might wanna remind our viewers to be careful when using this glue. Because it will bond instantly to your skin.
Tim: Al...We learned in the first grade you're not supposed to play with glue.
Al: Well, I was just worried about our viewers' welfare, as well as your welfare.
Tim: Al, these negative thoughts can hurt people on the job site.

Tim: The point I was trying to make is that men don't just start wars. They build things with tools, like this house, your car, office buildings...
Karen: Of course they do. They have all the jobs.
Tim: Oh, here we go.
Karen: Oh, come on, Tim, face it. It's a male-dominated society, and women have to make all the compromises.
Tim: I don't know what world you live in. But here at the Taylor household we have an equal relationship.
Karen: Oh, do you really believe that, Tim?
Tim: We're a '90s couple. We share everything 50-50, right down the middle.

Karen: Okay, okay. Let me give you a little test. Jill gets a high-paying executive position.
Jill: Ooh, I like this test already. Do I get to have a male secretary?
Karen: You got him. Can't type, but he looks cute in jeans.
Jill: Perfect.
Karen: Okay. So, Tim, should she take this job?
Tim: If he's gay.

Jill: New York or Seattle?
Tim: New York, Seattle... You know, I don't care where we live. Just leave... leave me... Leave me alone. [pulls the wood off his forehead]
Jill: Ooh, that had to hurt.
Tim: No, it didn't. [limps away] Oh. [screams]

Brad: Good evening, Jennifer. You look real good. You know, pretty, I mean.
Jennifer: Thanks. So do you. Not pretty, but, you know, handsome.
Randy: [exaggerated coughing]
Tim: Come here, you.

Jennifer: I guess we should get going. My father hates to wait. His stomach gets upset and then he starts to burp.
Jill: OK, well, I just want to take one picture, okay?
Brad: Oh, Mom.
Tim: Better hurry up, honey. Remember, Mr. Sudarsky's in the car getting gassy.

Karen: I think we know why Tim bought that.
Tim: OK, here we go. What are we gonna make fun of today? My show? No, grunting? Tools.
Karen: Oh, well, Tim. I mean, it is a very big, powerful tool.
Tim: I see, you think I've got to have this just to prove my manhood.
Karen: You said it. I didn't say that.
Tim: I bought the saw because it saws. That's what saws do, Karen. They saw.
Karen: Uh-huh. It certainly is a large saw.
Tim: Well, thank you very much. I'll be in the garage where I belong.