Brad: So, uh, who were you just talking to?
Randy: No one. That was the radio.
Brad: What radio?
Randy: My, uh... My, uh... deodorant radio.Sounds great, keeps me dry all day. [dances]
Brad: Man, he's not even my weird brother.

Jason: Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. The hygiene thing always works for me.
Brad: Let's just go try it on Mark.
Jason: [to Randy] Are you wearing enough cologne, tough guy? 'Cause I can still almost breathe.
Brad: Give him a break. He's trying to smell good for his girlfriend, Lauren.
Randy: Look, she is not my girlfriend. We're writing an article for the paper.
Brad: On what? Guys who stink?

Tim: Did you come over to look at the hot rod again.
Lauren: No, actually, I have to work with Randy. But my dad and I were talking about your hot rod. And, well, we had an idea.
Tim: And that idea would be?
Lauren: Have you ever thought about sectioning the hood? Because it would bring the front end down about two inches, and give the car a sleek look.
Tim: [to Jill] You know, this is exactly why I told you how badly I wanted a daughter. But you know, we ended up with three fine sons.

Tim: I think Randy's got a terrific little girlfriend.
Jill: She's not his girlfriend. He's made it perfectly clear. She's just a friend.
Tim: Yep. Yep. And Al's the funny one on Tool Time.
Jill: Do you have some insight I don't know about?
Tim: Come on. It's pretty obvious, isn't it? We've got a 14-year-old son writing about the ballet?
Jill: Which means?
Tim: [scoffs] Either he really likes her, or we should be having a whole other discussion.

Tim: Well, we have a great show for you today. We're doing our Tool Time salute to women... [screeching tires] [crashing] ...and cars.
Al: Some people think that cars are strictly a man's domain.
Tim: It's really not true. And I'd be the last one to admit it, but this week I met a bright little 14-year-old girl who proved to me there's women out there who know just as much about cars as men.
Al: Well, actually, Tim, we have a female expert in our audience who probably knows more about cars than you do.
Tim: Who's in the audience?
Al: Well, let's just say she was the cover girl for Transmission Monthly.
Tim: So, you got a real car babe, huh?
Al: Well, she's actually sitting in the front row there.
Tim: Well, what the heck? Let's bring her down here.
Al: All right. Let's have a warm Tool Time welcome for Lucille Treganowan.

Jill: How's the article coming?
Randy: Oh, it's going great. Lauren's coming over tomorrow, we're gonna finish it up. We're really working well together.
Jill: She seems like a nice girl.
Randy: Yeah, I really like her. You know, her... her writing.

Jill: [o.s.] Tim? You were right.
Tim: I know.
Jill: Don't you want to know about what?
Tim: Don't care. I just love being right.

Jill: Well, I feel really bad for Randy.
Tim: We're not gonna take this lying down.
Jill: What are we talking about?
Tim: We're going to get her back.
Jill: We never had her!
Tim: We're gonna play up the car thing, OK? I'll invite her over to the garage. We'll work on the hot rod. While we're shaving the door handles, I'll talk Randy up big time, do a couple of my jokes. Bing, bang, boom. We got her back.
Jill: Tim, that's not gonna work.
Tim: Apparently, you've never seen me in action.
Jill: Unfortunately, I have.

Jill: Honey. It really hurt my feelings when they didn't want me to cook anything for the potluck. It hurts to be rejected. Whether it's over cooking or relationships.
Randy: You're not comparing your tuna surprise to my life?
Jill: Not anymore.
Randy: Well, Mom, I mean, at least your tuna surprise got a chance. I never got my chance with Lauren. I waited too long and now it's too late.
Jill: Honey, it's one concert. It's just one date. If I had to choose between you and Jason it would definitely be you.
Randy: You're my mother.
Jill: Jason is obnoxious. He's sneaky. His father drives a Pacer, for God's sake.

Jill: Gosh. You know, they say that it's hard for teenage boys to open up to their mothers. So, I guess... you and I have a very special relationship. I mean, we share our emotions and our innermost feelings. [Randy backs away] It really moves me when you have a problem and you feel comfortable coming to me, pouring out your heart... Randy? Ran... Well...