Al: Well, you know, I just read your book a couple of months ago. I couldn't put it down.
Lucille Treganowan: Oh, thank you, Al.
Tim: You had to read a book about cars, Al?
Al: Well, if you had read Lucille's book you'd know women have come up with ways to repair cars men never even thought of.
Tim: Like what?
Al: Well, what if you had a split radiator hose?
Tim: Duh! You replace it.
Al: OK. It's 3:00 in the morning and you're stranded.
Tim: I'd call you, wake you up and you'd put it on.
Lucille Treganowan: But if you were a woman, you'd take off your scarf. You'd take off your belt...
Tim: Lucille! It's a family show, honey.
Lucille Treganowan: You wrap the scarf around the split hose, and then tighten the belt around the scarf.

Lucille Treganowan: You know, there are other ways that women have an advantage over men. Like we have this heightened sense of smell.
Al: That's right. Which easily enables them to detect car problems by their odor.
Tim: Anybody can do that.
Lucille Treganowan: OK, wise guy. What if you have a sweet, steamy smell coming from your car? What would that mean?
Tim: I had too many kielbasas at lunch.
Lucille Treganowan: No, Tim. That would mean that your car is leaking hot coolant.
Al: Actually, they're both right.

Jill: OK, chicken cacciatore... We gotta dredge the chicken.
Mark: What does "dredge" mean?
Jill: I have no idea. Go look it up in that cooking encyclopedia. I'm gonna move on. Mince half an onion. While you're looking up "dredge" look up "mince".
Mark: All right. I found "dredge". It means coat the chicken with flour.
Jill: I know how to do that! OK, come here. Yeah. Put the chicken in there. OK. Then we dump in some flour. Here we go. All right. And we close the bag. And shake.
Randy: Whatcha doing, The Hokey Poultry?
Jill: You grab a bag of chicken and you shake it all around.
Mark: [hands the bag to Randy] Just remember, it's all in the wrist.

Jill: Randy really does have feelings for Lauren but Lauren doesn't have any feelings for Randy. She's going out with Jason.
Tim: Nyah. What could she possibly see in Jason? That guy's dad drives a Pacer.
Jill: Well, Randy's really hurting. You remember what it feels like to be rejected.
Tim: Yes, I do. I remember hearing every excuse in the book. [high-pitched voice] "Um... I gotta wash my hair." "No, no, no. I've got a touch of the plague. That's what I've got." "No, no. I've got to de-worm my schnauzer."
Jill: Well, you must have felt awful.
Tim: Yeah, but you came around.

Jill: Hi, Wilson. What's all that smoke?
Wilson: Well, Jill, I'm burning food as a sacrifice for the Chinese festival of hungry ghosts.
Jill: Well, that's a switch. For once I'm cooking something good and you're burning food.
Wilson: Of course, the people eating my food are already dead.
Jill: I'm making chicken cacciatore. You got any fresh oregano?
Wilson: Yes, indeed. I just picked a fresh batch here to burn for my ghosts.

Randy: Mom, hi. What are you doing up?
Jill: I gotta put away the chicken cacciatore. What are you doing up?
Randy: I was just waiting for Brad to get back from the concert.
Jill: They're a little late.
Randy: Yeah, Jason probably got them backstage passes.
Jill: How would he do that?
Randy: Oh, by complimenting the security guard on his hygiene.

Jill: I'm so proud of Randy for telling Lauren how he felt.
Tim: Yeah, they're still friends. Which means she still might stop over and help me work on the car. You know, if I had known a girl could turn out like Lauren I might have tried for a daughter.
Jill: I've always told you how much fun it would be to have a girl around the house.
Tim: Spoil her and buy her little girly things.
Jill: That's so sweet. What would you buy for her?
Tim: Oh, a little pink ratchet set. A soft, cuddly, little stuffed muscle car. Baby's first tire iron.
Jill: And what would you do when your adorable little girl started dating guys like Jason?
Tim: Well, that's what the tire iron's for.

Randy: Hey, uh, Dad. Can a friend of mine come see the hot rod?
Tim: Yeah. It's about time you started hanging out with car guys.
Randy: Dad, this is Lauren.
Tim: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: Hey.
Tim: Where's the car guy?
Lauren: I'm the car guy.

Lauren: Thanks for letting me check out your car, Mr. Taylor.
Tim: Anytime. Nice to meet you.
Lauren: You, too. [exits]
Tim: Hey, Randy, Randy. Your girlfriend's terrific.
Randy: Dad, she's not my girlfriend. We're just friends.
Tim: She's perfect for you.
Randy: No, Dad. Actually, she's perfect for you.

Randy: [to the mirror] You know, Lauren... Hi. You and I make a great writing team. [puts on a hat and shades] You know, Lauren, I wasn't into cars at all until you came along. You know, Lauren... [sprays cologne] ...l'm a big geek.