Tim: Al, you know what your problem is? You're too darn nice.
Al: Well, I'm just trying to be sensitive to their needs.
Tim: Ugh, I hate hearing that. Women always say they want a sensitive man. Then they end up running off with a kick boxer named Dolph. Women like primitive, raw, wild men - a man with the sensuality of outdoors, that kind of guy.
Jill: The only reason I married you is because you're so sensitive.
Tim: Now, what's that supposed to mean?

Jill: Why don't you bring her over here Saturday night? We're just gonna have a cookout, you know, just the family.
Al: Well, I wouldn't want to be any trouble.
Tim: A little late for that, isn't it, Al?
Jill: Shut up, Tim. It's no trouble. You'll be relaxed, and that way she'll get to see the real Al.
Tim: A sad, lonely, broken man. [Al pouts] I'm kidding, buddy.

Wilson: Well, Tim, beautiful spring day. How is the enchanting maiden Jill?
Tim: "Enchanting maiden"?
Wilson: Just waxing poetic, Tim. I can't help it. It's springtime - love is in the air. Can you smell that?
Tim: Does it smell like sausage?
Wilson: I'm talking about pollen wafting from stamen to stigma, looking to create new flowers, fly, little pollen, fly. Create new life. Pollinate and propagate. Get down.
Jill: [o.s.] Tim! I thought you said you were gonna help me!
Tim: Ah, there's the enchanting maiden now. See ya, Wilson.

Jill: My diary's not in there.
Tim: I'm not looking for your diary.
Jill: Yeah, I saw you not looking for it. You're not gonna find it because I hid it. And if by some chance you do find it, swear to me that you will not touch it.
Tim: I swear on my son's head, I will not touch your diary. And if I do... may he go bald.
Randy: Right, Dad.

Tim: Am I even in the book?
Jill: No way. Of course you are. You're just not looking in the right place. It was April... That's it. There.
Tim: "Tonight I met the biggest..."
Jill: "Jerk."
Tim: "..on campus.' Tim Taylor. So, it was love at first sight, huh?
Jill: Well, come on, Tim. The first time I saw you, you were hanging from the roof of the girls' dorm, swinging through the air with panties on your head, going, "Send out the virgins to wax my loins."
Tim: [grunting] Oh, yeah.

Tim: Face it, that was when we fell in love.
Jill: No, it was not. Spring weekend was when we fell in love. See here. Look. "Spring weekend was wonderful. Friday I went to a movie with Tim, and Saturday we went to the spring dance. Tim spilled his boilermaker down the front of my dress."
Tim: It wasn't my fault.
Jill: "And he can't dance, but he's a great kisser. I know that Tim Taylor is definitely the guy I'm going to marry."
Tim: See?
Jill: [turns page] "Him or Mitch Newton."

Tim: Where's Al?
Greta Post: I don't know.
Jill: Well, um, come on in. Sit down.
Tim: Didn't you guys come together?
Greta Post: Yeah. But I got out and he just drove off.
Jill: Greta, what happened?
Greta Post: Well, we were on our way over here, and we were having a nice talk. I told him he was a very sensitive man.
Tim: Oh, no!
Greta Post: Then he ripped open his shirt and said: "Hey, I've got hair on my chest." I started laughing because I thought he was joking. Then his face turned red and he asked me to get out, and that's when he drove off... howling! [sobs]

Al: Greta. I'm sorry I showed you my chest hairs.
Greta Post: That's OK. I didn't really look.
Al: I... I guess this whole thing came about because I'm very nervous about going out with you.
Greta Post: You're nervous? I'm nervous too.
Al: Well, what do you have to be nervous about?
Greta Post: Because... I've never been out with a celebrity before.
Al: Well, me neither. You mean me?
Greta Post: Yeah.
Al: Oh, yeah. Sure. Sure. Well, I... I can see how that could make you nervous. A celebrity. But you shouldn't let that bother you. After all, I'm only an assistant celebrity.

Jill: Do you remember that spring weekend when we went to the movies... and we went to Sangren Hall...
Tim: Sangren Hall.
Jill: ...and saw Doctor Zhivago?
Tim: Doctor Zhivago.
Jill: You know that scene when Lara and Dr. Zhivago say goodbye at the train station? I looked over at you and you had a single tear roll down your cheek. That is when I fell in love with you. That was such a sad scene.
Tim: That's not why I was crying.
Jill: Oh, yeah? Why?
Tim: You finished all of my Milk Duds. Just the thought of that just brings up so many bad memories.

Al: I think she wants me to ask her out.
Tim: How do you know that?
Al: Well, she sent this backstage. It's got perfume on it, and she's dotted her I's with hearts.
Tim: That is serious, Al. Well, go ask her out.
Al: I-I can't do that.
Tim: I'll ask her out for you.
Al: No. No. No, Tim. No. Oh, relax.
Tim: I was just going to go say, "Greta, you melt Al's tool belt".