Frasier: Oh, then what's your solution, Dad?
Martin: Just sneak her back across the border.
Niles: That's called smuggling!
Martin: Oh, thanks, Niles. I knew it was something bad guys did, I just didn't know the technical term!

Frasier: I remember a car trip we took when I was nine? We drove from Seattle to Spokane. The only thing he said to me was, "I think we've got a problem with your brother Frasier."

Martin: You've got to come with us.
Daphne: Why?
Martin: Well, Frasier and I don't have anything to talk about. I always feel more comfortable when there's someone else around, or the TV's blaring.
Daphne: Then why did you suggest it?
Martin: Well, it sounded like a good idea when it came out of my mouth, but the more I think about it- I mean, can you really see me and Frasier together all day and then crawling into our bunks at night, lying head-to-head in the dark bonding? Ooh. I'll pay you. I've got pension money.

Niles: That's it. I'm going to be arrested.
Daphne: We're all getting arrested.
Niles: Yes, but I have delicate features. Prison will be hell for me.

Frasier: I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
Roz: Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
Frasier: Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead!
Roz: Listen, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself on your vacation. After all, you do work three hours a day. ... I'm sorry. That one even surprised me.

Martin: The Gallie-pagos islands, huh? "Where iguanas, sea-lions and giant tortoises live in eternal harmony." Is it important they get along?
Frasier: No, I suppose not.

Niles: Oh, how about this. India and Nepal. Trek the foothills of the Himalayas.
Martin: I think you're forgetting about my old pal here.
Niles: No problem. Frasier can just hire a really tough little Sherpa to carry you on his back. They don't mind.

Niles: I'm sorry Frasier, I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway I look into the driver's
eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name he would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.
[Martin and Daphne return from the kitchen]
Martin: Hey, great news, Daphne's coming too!
Niles: And so am I!

Frasier: Roz, are you forgetting that my father lives with me? How much more time together could we spend.
Roz: Day to day living is different. You know, there is nothing better than taking a trip together. You get to have a little fun, you get to relax. You get to see a whole different side to the other person.
Frasier: You know, in his entire life, my dad has never been to Europe. It would be a way of connecting with him if I were the one to give him that. So, what would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you?

Martin: It's everything I'd hoped it'd be, only better! It's like sitting in your own living room watching TV! Only it isn't TV, it's America!
Frasier: Yes, Dad, it's the ultimate in reality programming - actual reality.