Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. Before we go to the phones, I have a boon to ask of you. If any of you happens to have in your possession a tape of my broadcast from June 14, 1996, I am in need of a copy. You see, I understand that from time to time, people who call into my show record it, perhaps in order to review my advice or even to play it for some friends. Now, I realize this is a bit of a long shot, but it is the only missing tape of my collection and therefore, of course, has great sentimental value. Thanks for your consideration.

Frasier: Let's recap. In the last three hours, we have located a missing engagement ring, one lost cuff link, two missing cats, and we've actually reunited Eric from Belltown with his biological parents. Still, sadly, no sign of my missing tape. To that end, listeners, please scour you attics, basements, hope chests, whatever. Meantime, this is Doctor Frasier Crane wishing you good day and good mental health. And don't forget to look behind things.

Daphne: Oh, I wonder who this could be? Oh, look, it's your brother Niles. Here for a visit.
Niles: [speaking very slowly] Hello, Frasier, how are we today?
Frasier: What the hell is wrong with the two of you? You'd think I'd been found walking in the park in my underwear, talking to pigeons.
Daphne: Would we like a walk in the park?

Niles: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
Niles: Do you know you have your pajamas on backwards?
Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine.
Niles: Not from where I'm sitting.

Frasier: Hello.
Tom: Hello, yes, Dr. Crane. Please come in. Please make yourself at home.
Frasier: You must be Tom.
Tom: And you must be the greatest radio talk show host ever!
Frasier: You can call me Frasier.
Niles: I think I'll wait outside.

Niles: Hello, Tom.
Tom: Hi, yes. Uh, didn't you fill in on Frasier's show a couple of times?
Niles: Oh, yes, actually I did.
Tom: Yeah, yeah, you were all right.
Niles: Oh, well, you flatter me.
Tom: So, what's it like?
Niles: Excuse me?
Tom: Being Frasier Crane's brother? Being able to talk to him whenever you want, having access to that great brain twenty-four hours a day?
Niles: You know, I think I left my lights on.

Tom: Please, if you don't mind, I was hoping you'd take a picture of Frasier and I.
Frasier: Well, of course he doesn't mind. Actually, I've even brought along an eight by ten photo, personalized, of course.
Tom: Oh, my. That's really- I don't know...
Frasier: Yes, I thought you might like that.
Tom: Yes. I'll have to do some rearranging, but don't worry, I'll find some room for it somewhere.
[Tom opens some curtains to reveal a wall full of photos and newspaper clippings of Frasier]
Niles: I, uh, thought that was a window.
Tom: Yes, well, it was.

Frasier: Tom, well, you know, I was just wondering, um, have you ever called into the show?
Tom: Me? Why would I call the show?

Frasier: Oh, so, Tom. I take it you've been listening to the show for some time.
Tom: Oh, are you kidding? From day one. I got so hooked that eventually I started taping them so that I didn't miss anything. I even was skipping out of work early so I could make sure to be home on time.
Niles: So, Tom, in a way you could say your obsession with your collection was bringing your life to a standstill.
Tom: Yes, yes exactly. Until I realized how ridiculous I was being. I mean, missing work to tape the show?
Frasier: Good for you, Tom. So you could say that it's possible to have a passion for collecting without losing sight of your priorities.
Tom: Yes, exactly. And that's why I quit my job.

Frasier: Listen, Tom, you know I must confess I'm a bit concerned. Um. I'm delighted to have you as a fan, I really am. But the whole purpose of my show is to help people live better lives, and I'm afraid that I've hurt yours. I just... There should be more to life than... There should be more.
Tom: Yes, but as you always say, "Life is most fulfilling when spent in the pursuit of one's passions."
Frasier: Yes, but as I've also said, "Weave the tapestry of your life with many diverse threads."
Tom: Ah, yes, but you added, "Make sure to weave the pattern that pleases you most."
Niles: "Weave the tapestry with diverse threads"?
Tom: Yes, Frasier said all of these things, and many others. He is a genius. Would you like some guacamole?