Mel: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Uh, Mel, hello. Well, I, uh, I gather things are coming to an end. Thank you for being true to your word.
Mel: No, thank you for doing such a good job in... Phase One.
Niles: "Phase One?"
Mel: Well Niles, it occurred to me that if we end things now, people will wonder why, when, you know, we've been so happy. So I've decided that it's not so much that I'm going to leave you, as you're going to drive me away.
Niles: How?
Mel: Through a series of staged events, in which you will thoroughly humiliate yourself by playing the part of a complete ass.

Mel: For instance, this weekend we're going to the opera.
Niles: Ah, I see, I see. So you want me to hog the opera glasses and remain seated during the ovation, something of that nature? Well, I-I suppose I could manage it.
Mel: No, not quite. At the intermission, invariably some board member will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him.
Niles: That is unthinkable. I have a reputation in this town, and nothing will make me behave that way.
Mel: Well, looks like we're going to be married for a long time.
Niles: I'll see you at Schwanda Der Dudelsackpfeifer.

Frasier: Oh, lord, Chez Henri. Their menu is just the culinary minefield to test Todd's mettle. Hmm...
Niles: Oh, oh, your protégé. How's that coming along?
Frasier: Actually, things have taken a bit of an odd turn. You see, yesterday I went to his housewarming party. As it turns out, to my surprise, he has duplicated my apartment exactly.
Niles: Exactly?
Frasier: The only thing missing is an old man and a little dog. I was beside myself.

Mel: Niles, you have been behaving like a perfect gentlemen all night. Now, cut it out and do something offensive.
Niles: I don't know at which table you've been sitting. Did you not just see me unapologetic ally take the last roll?
Mel: I need more than that, and you know it. Now, my friends are giving you plenty to work with. Andrew has been drinking like a fish, and Margaret is wearing that revolting dress, again.
Niles: Meow. I'm glad you're on my side.

Mel: Oh, the bill. Oh, but we're not finished. Uh, we still have wine. Would anyone like a refill?
Andrew: I'm a little dry.
[Mel clears her throat loudly]
Niles: Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking.
Mel: Niles, we just discussed you were not going to bring that up.
Niles: Well I did, so there. [Mel kicks him under the table] And I'll say it again! [to Andrew] You're probably seeing two of me, so you might as well hear me twice. You, sir, are a complete drunk!
Andrew: Niles, how could you...
Niles: Well, uh-
Andrew: How could you know? I thought I was hiding it so well. I have a problem. It's time I face it.
Chip: I've been meaning to say something, but I didn't have the courage.
Lucy: Not like Niles. You're a good person.
Andrew: I'm getting help first thing tomorrow. I'm so sorry, baby.
Margaret: [to Niles] Thank you for giving me my husband back. Mel, darling, you married an angel.
Mel: Don't I know it.

Frasier: I give up. I've tried a million combinations. I even had early Byzantine mingling with mid-century Danish.
Martin: Will they ever get along?

[Entering the apartment devoid of furniture:]
Daphne: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
Frasier: Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
Daphne: Oh, yes. When God closes a door he opens a window.

Todd: Hey, Fras, I just need to know the name of the chick who made our couch.
Frasier: Oh, right. It's a reproduction of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier. [Todd exhales] But why?
Todd: The writer from Architectural Digest wants to know.
Frasier: Architectural Digest?
Todd: They're doing a huge cover story on my apartment. And I have you to thank for it, buddy. Well, I got to go, the photographer's waiting. Later.
[Frasier closes the door. His body shakes as he struggles to turn around. His mouth is agape in shock. He finally starts moving, scouring the apartment for anywhere to rest.]
Frasier: I need to sit down!
[Martin vacates his chair, but Frasier can't bring himself to sit there. He heads for the bathroom and sits down on the toilet.]

Todd: This'll be great. We'll be neighbors. You can teach me to have as much taste and style as you. And I can do everything possible to make you the biggest star on radio.
Frasier: I knew one day you'd come.

Kenny: Mr. Peterson's one of the brightest stars of Silicon Valley.
Todd: Thank you, Kenny.
Kenny: And he's one of the youngest members of the Fortune 500.
Todd: Please, you're embarrassing me.
Kenny: And he's a big fan of your show.
Frasier: Oh, now you're embarrassing me. [laughs] Go on.