Frasier: Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do. Dad and I had another fight. I'm afraid if we stay under the same roof together we'll do irreparable harm to the relationship we have as it is.
Niles: Well, what are the alternatives?
Frasier: Well, if I didn't feel so guilty I'd do what I should have done in the first place. Just move Dad and Daphne into their own apartment.
Niles: Oh, for goodness' sake, Frasier. It hasn't been that long. You have to give it a chance. And you might remember why you moved him in in the first place.
Frasier: Refresh me.
Niles: You wanted to get closer to Dad.
Frasier: I still do. There isn't anything I'd like more. But he makes it impossible. I can't read my book. I can't have my coffee. I can't have any peace in my own home.
Niles: So what you're saying is, you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

Frasier: Let us see if we can beat it. Ready? Go.
Martin: So, how about those Seahawks?
Frasier: No sports.
Martin: All right. No opera.
Frasier: Agreed. Ready? Go.
Martin: This is your idea. You say something first.
Frasier: All right. I'll tell you something about myself that you don't know. Six months ago, when Lilith and I were really on the rocks, there was a time of depression I went through that was so terrible that I actually climbed out on a ledge and wondered if life was worth living. Then I thought of Frederick.
Martin: And you didn't jump, huh?
Frasier: Good, Dad.

Frasier: Dad, I don't think you see how serious this is.
Martin: Oh. Will you give it a rest?
Frasier: Look, we're not getting along and it's not getting any better. I'm not sure how to say this, but uh- I- I'm afraid I'm going to have to-
Martin: I know what you're trying to say. You want what's best for both of us. You want to get me out of here. Then you can have your own space and I can have my own space. And can put an end to all this bickering.
Frasier: Well, yes. I guess it wasn't so hard to say after all.
Martin: Except for one thing. I'm not going.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Well, you want us to forge some great father-son relationship, to make some connection. Well, that kind of thing takes a couple of years, not a couple of days, doesn't it? You're the shrink.
Frasier: A couple of years?
Martin: Ah, it'll go by before you know it.
Frasier: Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.
Martin: I'm willing to give it a shot if you are.
Frasier: OK.

Martin: Well, this whole thing's stupid.
Frasier: Well, not to me. Oh, how should I expect anything out of you? You are the most cold, intractable, unapproachable, distant, stubborn, cold man I've ever known.
Martin: You said "cold" twice, Mr Egghead.
Frasier: Egghead! Egghead!
Martin: You said "egghead" twice too!
Frasier: Oh, you are so infuriating!
Martin: Well, you're no day at the beach either. You know what you are? [Timer dings] I'll tell you later. It's time for my program.

Frasier: Oh, of course. You'll have to forgive me. I'm not quite myself until I've shaved and showered.
Daphne: Oh, yes. I completely understand about one's morning ablutions. I, for instance, just can't stand meself before I floss all that gunk out of me teeth.
Frasier: Miss Moon, for future reference, you can just keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis.

Frasier: Hey, this isn't my coffee. Where's my finely ground Kenya blend from Starbucks?
Martin: That's it. Daphne put an eggshell and some allspice in it.
Frasier: And didn't that just dress it up.

Frasier: That is not the point. Dad. Dad, come and sit down, please.
Daphne: You're going to give a speech, aren't you?
Frasier: Oh, that's right, I forgot. You're psychic.
Daphne: Yes. But I think anyone could feel this one coming on.

Frasier: You're listening to Dr. Frasier Crane. Our topic today is intrusion. Those who encroach on our sense of personal space. The neighbor who plays his stereo too loud. The person who sits next to you in the movie theater when there are 50 vacant seats. Now let's return to our calls. And let me remind you once more that our topic today is intrusion, since so many of you seem to be forgetting that!

Roz: Dr. Crane, we have Leonard from Everett on line two.
Frasier: Hello, Leonard. I'm listening.
Leonard: "Hi, Dr. Crane. I'm a little nervous, but here goes. Several years ago I became afraid of large, open spaces. Like, if I went to the mall I'd break out in a cold sweat and I'd have to run home."
Frasier: Yes, Leonard, and your comments on intrusion?
Leonard: "Nothing. But now I'm afraid to go outside at all. I haven't seen another person in eight months."
Frasier: Well, Leonard, it sounds like you may have a very serious condition known as agoraphobia. But you're not alone.
Leonard: "But I am alone, Dr. Crane."
Frasier: Listen, Leonard, I'm afraid your problem is too difficult to deal with in the time we have remaining. So, if you'll just stay on the line, someone will give you the name of a qualified therapist.

Frasier: Well, that's all the time we have for today. You've been listening to Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Stay tuned for the news. And next up, Bob "Bulldog" Brisco and the Gonzo Sports Show. I never miss it. Yeah, right.