Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Marie: "Um, you see, Dr. Crane, there's this man I'd like to go out with, but he's forty years old and he's never been married. Do you think that means something?"
Frasier: Well, it could mean he has a fear of commitment... or itcould mean he's just been lucky! Marie, that was a joke.
Marie: "Did I mention I'm calling from a pay phone?"
Frasier: All right, all right, Marie. Um, I would say give him a shot, but, uh, I'd keep that caution bulb lit. Thank you for your call, Marie. Who's next, Roz?
Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you have to watch out for. Someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper. Whereas your divorcé will bite into any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana.

Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
Frasier: You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense.

Frasier: Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen, what with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks, answering phones and pushing buttons. My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do!