Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Niles: This has been kind of fun, but I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

Frasier: Bad news?
Miller: Oh, you could say that. I've just been fired. They decided the best way to cut the budget was to get rid of my high salary.
Frasier: Oh, Ned, - I'm so sorry. Then I guess this means that my job is still safe, then?
Miller: Yeah. I guess so.
Frasier: Well, you know, Ned, I haven't been in the radio game that long. But, uh, I've been around long enough to know that people get fired. And when they do, they always seem to land on their feet. Now, I've known quite a few people and counseled them that have suffered similar setbacks. But, uh, in time you will embrace this. Learn to think of this as, oh, a new chapter. You know, in theatrical circles, they always say "Every exit is but an entrance to somewhere else."
Miller: ... God, I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance!

Frasier: My God, my God, this is unbelievable. A man has quit his job just because of a rumor that you spread!
Roz: Me?! The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of him. I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!