Frasier: Hello, Doug, this is Dr Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Doug: "Yeah, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. I mean, she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I mean, she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it is very frustrating."
Frasier: Doug, I'm sorry. Can we just go back for a second? You said your mother "literally" hangs around the house. I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine, but what you mean to say is she figuratively hangs around the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey. Now back to your problem.
Doug: "Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?"
Frasier: Oh, not at all.
Doug: "I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes who nitpick your grammar when you come to them for help. That's what I've got a problem with."
Frasier: I think what he means is, "That is a thing with which he has a problem."

Martin: Didn't you ever met a woman and then decide she's not the one?
Frasier: Yes. Five years after I married her.

Frasier: You see, the thing is, it was just one phone call. I mean, how can anyone make a sound judgment about someone from one phone call?
Niles: Remind me again what it is you do for a living.

Frasier: He's completely cut her out of his life. I just don't understand what would make him do that.
Niles: Oh, who knows why anybody does anything?
Frasier: Remind me again what it is you do for a living.

Frasier: Is Dad still asleep?
Daphne: Yes, he's napping with the dog. Eddie's little legs are going like mad. I think he's dreaming of chasing rabbits. I can't explain your father's twitching.

Frasier: Niles, I distinctly told you not to bring her here.
Niles: I ran out of ways to entertain her. We went to the arboretum, a fashion show, a matinée of "La Cage Aux Folles" and we even spat off the top of the Space Needle. I'm sorry, I cracked.
Frasier: Niles, that woman is certainly not Dad's type.
Niles: You never know when love can bloom between two people who seem so different on the surface. Do you, Daphne?
Daphne: To tell you the truth, I never thought opposites attract.
Niles: Neither do I, we are alike in so many ways.

Frasier: Hey, Roz, you know this conversation with Doug has got me thinking about my father. He doesn't do much of anything, either. He just sits most of the time watching TV or doing the occasional crossword puzzle. What does your mother do?
Roz: She's the Attorney General of Wisconsin.
Frasier: No, really?
Roz: Really.
Frasier: Oh. Well, I guess that helps fill her day.
Roz: Yeah. To quote Mom, "Crime never stops, even in the dairy state."

Daphne: How was your nap?
Martin: Great, but I had the strangest dream. I dreamt this beautiful woman with bad breath was licking my face. [Eddie runs out of the bedroom] Hey, where'd you just come from?

Martin: Frasier, when you were a kid, what was the name of that skin condition you had on your butt?
Frasier: Pityriasis rosea.
Daphne: How do you spell that?
Frasier: Why?
Martin: Irene and I are exchanging family histories.

Roz: Hey, you wanna hear my pet peeve? You're in a department store, and the clerk is right in the middle of helping you and the phone rings. So he starts taking care of them. And you're left standing there going, "Excuse me, but all I did was come all the way down here in person, while some joker is sitting at home in his underwear getting first-rate service." Don't you hate that?
Frasier: Well, actually, I do most of my shopping by phone.