Niles: This next exercise is designed to block negative feelings. I've tried it myself. Simply take a moment. Think of
something comforting from childhood: a stuffed animal, a dog-eared copy of Middlemarch. You may have other memories.

Daphne: There's be Dr. Crane. It'll be a pleasure to be around one man who's not obsessed with sports.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. Ooh, the Sonics are on! Excuse me. So, Dad...

Martin: You?
Niles: [laughing] Is that so hard to believe?
Martin: Yeah!
Daphne: When did you talk to him?
Niles: He was on Bulldog's show today. We had a brief session in the hallway. Not more than two minutes.
Martin: You turned Reggie's game around in only two minutes?
Niles: You could be a little less surprised. I am a skilled psychiatrist. During sixteen years in the field I have developed certain instincts.
Martin: I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Daphne: Yeah. I'm starting to think I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you.
Martin: Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes.
Niles: Thanks, Dad.

Niles: I must admit I find this all a bit mystifying. Do people really care this much about a basketball game?
Roz: Are you kidding? This is Seattle. It rains nine months out of the year. We take our indoor sports very seriously.
Niles: Well, I know you always have.
Roz: You're a hero today, so I'm going to let that one go.

Niles: They must have sold too many tickets. They've stuck us in these folding chairs.
Martin: Wow. Right on the hardwood, five feet from the baseline.
[Niles laughs, before turning to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like front row orchestra, stage right.
Niles: Oh.
Martin: Man, we're so close we're gonna get our teeth rattled when they set a pick.
[Niles once again laughs, before turning to Daphne]
Daphne: It's like sitting close enough to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.

Niles: I gather Reggie's not performing up to par this evening?
Spectator: You got that from all the booing, huh? Nice counselling, Doc. He's been throwing up bricks all night.
Niles: Judging from that empty tureen of nachos and cheese, you may be joining him.

Niles: Dad, you know I'm right.
Martin: Will you look me in the eye and answer me one question: would you still be doing this if these were courtside seats at the opera?
Niles: Yes. My ethics are ethics. And by the way, where do you think I got those ethics?
Martin: Oh, yeah. Throw it back at me. That's real mature.

Reggie: Damn, man, where have you been? I've got to be on court in five minutes.
Niles: I know. Stop! Before you rub your hands all over me, we need to talk.
Reggie: What's up?
Niles: Well, I'll come right to the point. This entire affair has grown out of control. I need to end it.
Reggie: What are you saying? You're not coming down here any more?
Niles: Well, no. We can still see each other to talk, but no touching. That part of our relationship is over. [seeing the guard] Does this concern you?
Guard: It's starting to!

Reggie: Hey Doc, wait. You sounded like you really knew what you were talking about. There's this little problem I've been having and I was wondering if maybe you could help me out?
Niles: What is it?
Reggie: You see, for the last two weeks, every time I get my hands on the pill I choke.
Niles: Well, have you tried mashing it with a spoon?
Reggie: You don't watch much basketball, do you?

Bulldog: So how's it feel?
Niles: Like I'm walking away from my lamppost and counting the bills in my garter belt.