Niles: What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So I ducked out of the conference and who should I run into, but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat placenta treatments.
Frasier: Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?
Niles: We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran, I tried to follow her tracks in the snow, but alas, she made none.

Frasier: Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
Tom: "Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically."
Frasier: Well, how long have you two been together?
Tom: "Six years."
Frasier: And the sex is still that good?
Tom: "Oh man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. But I'm not sure we have much else in common."
Frasier: Well, common interests are of course the foundation of- Three times, you say?
Tom: "Is that abnormal?"
Frasier: Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal. Um, but you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do actually. I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalog from a local university, go through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?
Tom: "That's a good idea. Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend."
Frasier: Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.

Roz: Niles called from the airport; he wants you to call him back. He sounded frantic!
Frasier: I'll call him from the car. Yes, he's flying to a conference in Switzerland. I promised to talk him through it.
Roz: Surely he's flown before?
Frasier: Well, not coach.

Frasier: Roz, is this the dress you're wearing to the wedding?
Roz: I have to, I'm a bridesmaid.
Frasier: Is there a reason it has to be so, so...?
Roz: Hideous? It's supposed to be, so that way, the bride, by comparison, will glow. Next to this baby, she'll light up like a bug zapper. You know, of all my friends in Wisconsin, this girl was the last one I thought would beat me to the altar.
Frasier: Not the Dairy State's comeliest chunk of cheddar?
Roz: Let's just say she works in her father's ice cream parlor and she eats her mistakes. The groom's family makes cones.
Frasier: Oh, well, we don't need Freud for that, do we?

Roz: The whole thing is just so depressing. Lately everyone I know is settling down, getting married, having children. What am I doing wrong?
Frasier: Well, do you want me to answer as a friend or a therapist?
Roz: As a friend.
Frasier: See a therapist.

Niles: Oh, now serving one hundred and fifty-one.
Frasier: Good God. He's here to see Roz?
Niles: Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

Frasier: All you have to do is just sit here and talk about your life.
Martin: Life's got nothing to do with it. This is about me dying and you having something to look at after I'm dead. The whole thing gives me the creeps.
Frasier: I can't believe you're refusing to record your history, the story that only you, Martin Crane, can tell, because it gives you the creeps.
Martin: Okay, then, I'll tell you the real truth. My Indian heritage forbids it. I'm afraid your magic box will rob me of my spirit.

Roz: Frasier is the one who told me to find myself a new boyfriend. Someone who is settled, someone more nurturing, someone with substance over flash.
Daphne: They could put that on Dr. Crane's tombstone.

Bulldog: Yo, Doc. When are you going to return my video camera? I got a hot date tonight and I want to record certain events for posterity, if you know what I mean.
Frasier: Uh, tomorrow, Bulldog. Well, maybe tonight you could just have a police sketch artist crouch on your balcony.

Frasier: [to himself] Me and my stupid advice. [Noticing the "On-Air" light] Will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!