Martin: My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now ... I'm dead! Trapped in a box, underground. Pretty scary, huh? [laughs maniacally]

Niles: Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?
Martin: All right, all right, I do. Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, left- [fakes choking]
[Niles points the camera towards himself]
Niles: Future generations: see what I had to put up with?

Niles: It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.
Frasier: Go on.
Niles: Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her. Is she irrational?
Frasier: She did attack a vending machine once. When a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.
Niles: Borderline, borderline. Does she ever act delusional?
Frasier: Well, she often claims that she is responsible for the success of our show.
Niles: Building, building. Does she display below-average intelligence?
Frasier: She once ordered a bottle of white Zinfandel.
Niles: Jackpot! Go to her, she's a threat to herself.
Frasier: It's amazing they even let the woman drive.

Frasier: Well, Roz, I think your whole problem stems from some unresolved issues that cause you to choose the men you date. Always flashy and superficial, offering no prospect of a lasting relationship.
Roz: Why would I do that?
Frasier: Maybe fear of commitment, fear of being hurt. But maybe it's time you started looking at different kinds of men. You know, men who are more settled, a little less flash and more substance.
Roz: You're probably right, Frasier. You klnow, if I were smart, I'd go out with the next guy I see I'm not the least bit attracted to.
[Bulldog wheels his cart into the booth]
Bulldog: [lisping] Roz, Roz. I just bit my tongue. Can you kiss it and make it better?
Roz: The next one after him.

Bulldog: Whoa! That's the ugliest thing I ever saw.
Roz: I'm going to a wedding.
Bulldog: Oh, I love weddings. Never been to a wedding where I didn't bag at least one bridesmaid. And the uglier the dress, the quicker they want to get out of them. This one would hit the floor before the rice.

Niles: Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag. He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women.
Frasier: Oh puh-leease. A hundred and fifty.
Niles: As if anything over, say, seven weren't absurd.
Frasier: Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.

Frasier: But that is the last man that Roz should be with!
Niles: Well, don't worry. Knowing Roz, he won't be.

Roz: He is the greatest guy. You know, when I first met him, I thought, "He's not my type." Then I remembered what you said. And I'm so glad you gave me that advice, Frasier, because without it, I would never have given him a second look.
Frasier: Well, Roz, let's not rule out that all-important third look.

Roz: Can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you?
Daphne: Oh God, yes.
Roz: I haven't even finished my question yet.
Daphne: Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.

Frasier: I couldn't help overhearing the last part of your conversation there. You think you're not rushing things
a little bit with Ben? Are you really that serious?
Roz: Yes, I am.
Frasier: But you know, there are a lot of men in the world.
Roz: And lots of women, too.
Frasier: Well, that's more of a personal preference but I-
Roz: I meant for you.