Daphne: The doctor says he's in the 95th percentile of patients recovering from bypass surgery.
Frasier: 95th percentile. That's wonderful, Niles!
Niles: Well, now Frasier, good health is not a competition. When you've heard time's winged chariot hurrying here, as I have, every day is a gift. [noticing Frasier's CD] Oh, yoiks, what tone-deaf prankster gave you this?
Frasier: You've...heard it?
Niles: Well, as much as I could bear. Did you hear what the conductor did to the Andante? I just hope he bought it dinner first.

Roz: That was weird.
Frasier: I'll say. Who can't pick out their own scone?
Roz: No, I mean you and Niles. Usually that would have been a two-hour argument ending in tears and cursing in Italian.
Frasier: I'm afraid those days are over, Roz.
Roz: What happened?
Frasier: Well, it's a long story. Okay. When Niles was in the hospital and he was being wheeled into surgery, he looked so frail and vulnerable, so I... I took my case to a higher power.
[flashback:]
Frasier: [v.o.] Hello, God. It's me, Dr. Frasier Crane. Though I don't talk to you as often as perhaps I should, I want to thank you for all the times you've indulged me in the past. Although I have yet to see the inside of the Empire Club. Just kidding. Anyway, today I ask you to look after my brother Niles Crane. I love him, even if I don't always show it, and I regret all the time he and I have wasted in petty quarrels. If you spare him, Oh Lord, I promise to cherish every moment we have together.
[present:]
Roz: But Frasier, you don't think God is going to strike Niles down if you get in an argument, do you?
Frasier: Well, technically, the way it's structured, he'd come after me, seeing as I was the one who initiated the deal, you see. If I'd had more time, I might have worded things differently, but...

Niles: Oh, oh, uh, let's get this to go. My soap starts in twenty minutes. Ashley might come out of her coma today.
Daphne: You know, since your recovery's going so well, maybe we should check you out, make sure all your equipment's working properly.
Niles: You're not talking about my exercise bicycle, are you?
Daphne: Mmm-mmm. The doctor said it would be okay. If you need a second opinion, maybe Nurse Naughty could make a house call.

Frasier: You know, perhaps now, Niles, we can get back to the squash courts.
Niles: Oh, I don't think so.
Frasier: But the doctor said it was OK.
Niles: Yes, but shouldn't there be more to life than competition for useless bragging rights?
Frasier: You didn't think they were useless three months ago when you won. You bragged for three months.

Grant: "Hey, Dr. Crane. Well, my grandmother died a couple of weeks ago and I feel bad because I never told her how much she meant to me."
Frasier: Well, my heart certainly goes out to you. Grieving is difficult enough without those unresolved-
Roz: Frasier, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have Dr. Niles Crane on line two.
Frasier: I'm sure you all remember my brother Niles from our last segment. I'm sure all my listeners join me in hoping he can get back to work real soon.
Niles: "Thank you, Frasier. I just thought I'd add the perspective of one who has ducked the scythe of the Grim Reaper."
Frasier: By all means, go ahead, Niles.
[Frasier removes his headphones and stands up]
Niles: "Grant, your grandmother knows how you feel. When I was briefly dead, the overriding feeling I had was the love of my family and friends."
[Frasier walks over and punches an inflatable clown he has set up in his booth]
Grant: "Wow. So I shouldn't feel bad?"
Niles: "Certainly not. Get out there and live your life, Grant. Carpe that diem."

Frasier: Welcome back, Seattle. Oh, I see we have someone on line two. Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.
Niles: "Still me, Frasier. [Frasier stands up and starts beating up the clown again] Say, I had some thoughts about your advice to Cynthia from Tacoma. Speaking as one who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death, Cynthia, I think diets and exercise should take care of your problem. Nothing like a good fat-free muffin to send you on your way."
[Frasier gets increasingly violent towards the inflatable clown]

Frasier: What are you doing?
Daphne: Oh, you'll think I'm silly, but I'm donating food to the poor.
Frasier: Why would I think that's silly? What does that say about me?
Daphne: No, I was just going to say...
Frasier: I do my bit for charity, you know. You have no idea how many vacations I've bought at silent auctions.

Daphne: No, that's not it. You see, when I found out Niles needed heart surgery I felt so scared and helpless, so I kind of made a vow that if he came out okay I would spend more time helping the less fortunate.
Frasier: A vow? You mean, like a promise to God?
Daphne: Yeah, I know, it must sound absurd to you, a man of science.
Frasier: No. No. Now when exactly did you make this promise?
Daphne: The night before his surgery.
Frasier: The night before, you say. ... Interesting. You say Niles is at my place?
Daphne: Yeah.
Frasier: Excuse me. Keep up the good work.

Daphne: I don't think that's it, Mum. I just think he's scared and I understand that. But how long are we going to go on like this?
Gertrude: Until you stop babying him.
Daphne: I'm not babying him. I'm just giving him the time he needs.
Gertrude: Oh, piffle. What he needs is a swift kick in the bum. Look, you've got to seduce him. Use your feminine wiles. That's how your brother Billy landed Kevin.
Daphne: Well, sharing a cell helped.

Daphne: Thanks for the advice, Mum.
Gertrude: My pleasure, love. Oh, and since you and Niles will be in the guest room, I'll sleep in your room tonight. No sense in letting that king-sized bed go to waste.
Daphne: This time, use a coaster when you take your teeth out.