Debra: You know, Ray, I don't want you to ever get me another gift again, because every time you do, it just makes me realize how little you care. Merry Christmas, Ray.
Ray: Okay, now you're becoming my mother.
Debra: What?!
Ray: Let me finish! Look, the only reason I ever put any thought into my mother's gift is because she's, uh...
Robert: Materialistic.
Ray: No.
Robert: Yes.
Ray: Yes! Kitchen stuff, that's all she cares about. I don't think of you that way. You always used to say, "I don't care about anything as long as we're all happy and healthy." And look at us we're all happy and healthy. [Debra glares at Ray] We're all healthy. For now. Isn't that the only thing that matters? I mean, come on, it's Christmas. What about Jesus? Huh? You think he cared about gettin' a bunch of gifts on his birthday? Rum-pum-pum-pum. That's all he wanted.
Robert: That's true. Rum-pum-pum-pum.
Ray: Look, I'm sorry I lied. I- I lied that night about having a great gift for you, and I lied about coming up with the "Cuckoo-bird" book. And I know... I know I took all the credit for it, but at least you're not going to the Ice Capades! I'm sorry. I stink at this. But it doesn't mean I don't care about you. In fact, I wouldn't lie half as much if I didn't.

Marie: It's December 26th. It's time to return a few of the gifts I got that weren't quite right. Does anybody have anything they'd like brought back?
Debra: No. We're fine, Marie.
Amy: Yeah. We're very happy.
Marie: Good. Great.
Amy: Hey, Marie, isn't that the bowl I gave you?
Marie: Okay, then. Merry Christmas! [runs outs]

Robert: So you had to pay more than us, huh? You had to hog all the glory. Glory hog!
Ray: No, it just- I can afford it, okay? I'm doing good. That's all. It's no big deal.
Robert: "I'm doing good. That's all. It's no big deal." You just had to show me up, right?!
Frank: Thanks a lot, Ray.
Robert: I'm paying one-third, okay? So I owe...
Debra: $80.
Robert: $80. Yes, $80.
Ray: All right, just calm down.
Robert: No. I already paid $30, so I owe...
Debra: $50.
Robert: I know $50!

Marie: Oh my you spent so much.
Ray: Ma, don't worry about that, all right?
Marie: But $240?
Robert: Those things cost $240?
Ray: It's fine, Robert.
Robert: No, no, no. Well, wait a minute. How come you told me and Dad that we only had to pay $30 each, while you paid one... $100... while you paid the rest?
Frank: Robert, your mother doesn't care who paid what. Sit down.
Marie: Frank, you only paid $30 and Raymond paid $180?
Robert: $180, yes!
Frank: I just paid what Ray told me to.
Marie: Skimping on your wife's birthday present. My mother was right to fall down.

Ray: It's unbelievable. I try to do something nice and thoughtful, and it's like I killed my mother's birthday.
Debra: Yep. Very, very thoughtful.
Ray: What?
Debra: Hmm? Nothing. No. I guess I was just surprised at how thoughtful your mom's gift was. But I shouldn't be surprised because you always put a lot of effort into the things that you buy... for her.
Ray: Good night.
Debra: No. No, Ray. I think it's great that you got your mom something nice. I do. I just sometimes wonder why you don't put the same thought into the things you get for me, but it's okay. I don't care. It's not a big deal. I'm not mad. Ray? Ray?
Ray: [snores]
Debra: Ray?!
Ray: Ow! What?! I thought you said you weren't mad!
Debra: I'm not!

Ray: I can't win. I can't believe we're arguing about this when I happen to have a pretty good Christmas gift for you this year.
Debra: Pfft.
Ray: Okay, you know what? I don't blame you if you don't believe me, but I do. I really do.
Debra: Yeah, right.
Ray: No, you and I were doing something a few weeks ago, and it got me to thinking... Whatever. Just forget about it.
Debra: What? What were we doing?
Ray: We were in the city, and we were walking, and you saw something, and you said, "Oh, my God."
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Yeah... And maybe I bought you something.
Debra: What is it?
Ray: You'll see it. You'll see it at Christmas, and let's hope you find it thoughtful. Good night.
Debra: I'm sorry, Ray.
Ray: It's okay.

Amy: Ray! Hi!
Ray: Hey! Hi, Amy.
Robert: What are you doing here?
Ray: I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd pop in and say, "Howdy-doodle."
Robert: "Howdy-doodle"? What are you, hittin' the eggnog?

Ray: So boy! 'Tis the season, huh? Only two shopping days left till Christmas. Everybody's all holly and jolly and buyin' stuff. You buying any gifts this season, Amy?
Amy: Oh, yeah. I love shopping. I've got one more thing to get my Uncle Jeff, and since he just retired I thought...
Ray: That's great. Listen, listen, listen. I wanted to get something really special for Debra this year, you know? 'Cause she's just so great.
Amy: Oh, I know Debra loves pajamas.
Ray: No! Nah! No pajamas.
Robert: Hey, you know what? Get out!
Ray: I just want to get her something thoughtful. You know? Something that says, "Debra you mean so much to me, and this gift makes me think of you." So what do ya got?

Robert: All right, wait a minute. I know what this is. A few weeks ago, he got my mom something thoughtful for her birthday. Now I bet he has to get Debra a gift of equal or greater thought.
Amy: You're very thoughtful, Ray. You should trust your own instincts.
Ray: Yeah? 'Cause I did think of something. You know how Debra's always saying she's always cold? So I thought, "What if I get her this really great, top-of-the-line, primo space heater?" [Amy is silent] Top-of-the-line! Four settings: low, medium, high... off.
Robert: Raymond, have you ever even met your wife? Do you know anything about her?
Ray: I know she gets chilly.

Ray: Okay, yeah. I was thinking of something like that, too. Yeah. I mean, that or the space heater. Whatever's better.
Robert: You're a wonderful person. Get out!
Ray: All right, thanks.
Amy: Bye, Ray.
Ray: All right, bye. "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest"?
Robert: "To Kill a Mockingbird"! Take a class!
Ray: Right, right! Ha ha. "Cuckoo's Nest." I knew it was a bird book.